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Revisiting the Past…

Sometimes life just plods along and each day is much like the one before. Not that that’s a bad thing, in fact I like the mundane normality as opposed to having my life turned upside down by surprises, I’m very much a structure and routine person, it probably comes from spending much of my life living out of boxes or not knowing what mood people were going to walk in with, I hate feeling on edge so I’ve made my life fairly structured with only a spattering of spontaneity.
Anyway, this last week has been a strange one. I’ve had a few friend requests on facebook that I’ve left hanging… They’re people that were part of, or reminders of my darker past and I’m not sure I want to face that at the moment… One is a friend who I confided so much in and who attended court with me where I was giving evidence. This friend was a great friend, a rock in times of darkness but knows stuff about me that few others do. I can’t deal with that.
The problem is I walk away from friends way too quickly… I find it incredibly hard to trust people and when I find myself almost confiding in them I immediately push them away. I can be quite mean in the process and I’m sure all I want is to know they would never betray my trust but I push and say mean things so they stay away, leaving them thinking I’m a heartless bitch.
I hate this about myself and I find it impossible to change, I don’t know where to start. Most of my friends, except the real friends that have known me for the longest time, think I’m cold. I rarely cry in front of anyone, not even my husband. I’m not one of these people that cries on people’s shoulders, I cry my tears alone and so quietly you could stand next to me and not even know. That’s something I learnt in care I guess and I’m no different now.
So anyhow, another friend request was from a friend I was in a care home with, it was a horrendous place and miles from anywhere I knew, we both had awful experiences there and we stuck together like glue, we used to call each other ‘sister’ but again I got out of there and pushed her away. I push these people out of my life and think the bad times are gone but they’re not are they? Because a lovely person I thought of as a sister requests me as a friend and all I can think of are awful times! WTF?!
My biggest issue I think is that I had counselling back in the day but I was self medicating at the same time, not the best idea and it prevented me from dealing with it at all… Half an hour of counselling followed by a little opium, (while on the benzos!) hmmm that dealt with the problems a treat!
I wasn’t ready for the counselling, I wasn’t ready to confront anything so I self harmed and self medicated. I love the phrase ‘self medicated’ it sounds like it’s ok… It’s not. Basically I took lots and lots of drugs. Everyone I know (from the scene then) says “I did everything but inject” which makes it all sound somehow better… But I didn’t inject because I was afraid of needles, I wasn’t afraid of smoking heroin, or crack or popping benzos, or dropping whatever pills I could get my hands on. I didn’t care what they were or what effect they had as long as they had an effect. I got to that point where I was waking up, scoring and spending the day high with other fucked up souls or going out dropping e (or/and 2c). I didn’t care if I lived or died, I guess I hoped I wouldn’t wake up many times. But I did. It wasn’t until my ‘brother’ died of a heroin overdose that I really thought about what effect the past and the drugs had and how the counselling didn’t work and nor did the drugs… That’s why I’m sat here confused and blogging a probably senseless post that only I understand!
But I did manage to pull myself out of that, with help of course for which I’m eternally grateful. I went on to have my kids and try to be a good mother. I can give good advice as I’ve been there, done that. But I still have my issues to sort out. My lack of trust, my inability to let people in. That I need to work on but I can’t let the past into me present to fuck up my future. That I won’t allow so again I push another good friend away…

Weirdly my saving grace this week was speaking to my niece, she is so awesome and has dealt with life so much better than I did at her age.
She is amazing and I hope she isn’t put off by our previous dysfunction!
Another reason to be thankful. X

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Posted by on January 19, 2014 in Life, The Past., Thoughts

 

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Benefits Street.

Okay, so there’s this new series on a certain TV channel called Benefits Street…

The main characters all live in houses on what appears to be a run down street and they all claim benefits and are unemployed.

I’m totally split in my opinion of the show…

One half of me thinks that the production company has hand picked the worst examples just to turn the country against people that claim benefits.

I’m not going to name the characters or go into details but there are people with poor hygiene, bad etiquette and rough speech going to get their payments then shoplifting alcohol from hardworking shop owners and laughing about it, There are people claiming benefits as single people but are in a relationship who have had their benefits stopped but are complaining that it’s not their fault and the benefits agency is in the wrong, the children are grubby looking and eating crap and the house is a tip… 2 adults are at home all day and the house is a bloody tip… They are rough and brash and if you were walking down the road with them, their calls of “oi wanker” to their friends would make you cringe…

Then the other half of me remembers how my life used to be and what sort of friends I had and I remember the feeling of hopelessness and worthlessness and depression and confinement.

I remember the ‘fuck ’em’ attitude I had towards the world.

In my last few year in care, when I was living in a bedsit at 16/17, I was asleep and the guy from the room next to me snuck into my room, I woke up immediately, I was used to being on alert when I was asleep… he had a hammer in his hand, it was wrapped in a blood stained tea towel and he was trying to hide it. I was terrified so I let him hide it and then he realised I was awake. To cut a very long story short, he forced me to sleep in his bed and lie to the police that we’d been there all night, I had felt safe there until that night. So I clung onto other teens in my position. We’d all sleep over each other’s bedsits, we’d shoplift for food and clothes, we’d spend any cash we got on drugs and alcohol. I didn’t care about what drugs they were, who cared? They blotted out the bullshit of life and made me feel like I was living someone else’s life. I really didn’t care less if they’d kill me, life was seriously shit and I couldn’t handle it without drugs, men and a sharp object to harm myself and anyone else who took the piss. We’d fight, we’d steal, we’d commit criminal damage, we really didn’t care.

I used to sit on the tube watching other 16/17 year old’s with their parents with bags of new stuff, laughing and hugging, on their way home to somewhere safe, they could sleep without fear and I’d seriously feel hatred… no-one was there for me so ‘fuck ’em’… they’d get home and probably realise their purse was missing, the money spent on drugs they’d never have to take to blot out the life they’d never have to live… fuck ’em.

When social services had finished with me at 18, they handed me the keys to a flat 10 miles from where I had been living and a bundle of benefits forms, a leaving care grant of about £500 and a community care grant form (that I had no idea about) and that was it…

I was a scared, pregnant 18 year old girl, standing in a cold empty flat with no support and no idea what I had to do next.

I filled in the forms and messed that right up, I managed somehow to scrape some furniture together and of course I met the locals… I stopped the drugs and tried to sort my life out but knew that the local junkies would get you anything you wanted for a much lower price than the shops… all you needed to say was ” I need a new kettle” and half hour later they’d be on the doorstep with a £50 kettle asking for £20. You could easily haggle it down to a tenner and course you never asked where it was from but of course everyone knew.

People were always getting evicted or going into prison so furniture was easy to get hold of cheap or it’d be dumped at the back of the block for the kids to set alight to later for a bit of entertainment.

I had an on-off relationship with my eldest son’s dad and by 19 I was a single teenage mum of 2 little boys… A right gobby bitch, smoking, drinking, swearing, stealing, fighting, looking for trouble at the same time as trying to stay out of it and the local police knew my details on sight. That was life, it was normal, it had been normal for years… it was what people expected from an angry careleaver, it’s what they expected from a teenage mum and most of us knew no other way.

Then something happened to change my life forever. I woke up and saw things differently, I saw what I was and what I could be. I learnt to value myself and to value those around me. I learnt about ambition, education, about love, about accepting and letting go of the past, embracing the present and jumping headfirst and grasping onto the future.

I learnt to love myself and value my own life and in turn value other people. I learnt compassion and empathy and tolerance.

I did parenting courses, I went to college and gained childcare qualifications, I spent my days trying to be a better mum and a better person. I made better choices, I started working and being productive, I found a boyfriend, he joined the army. Our army friends had no idea of our pasts so it was easy to change, no-one could point the finger and say “That was her that did ****”.

I changed because I was lucky… I am still in touch with my friends that weren’t so lucky, and I’d love nothing more than to change their lives, but it’s so so hard… they’re not getting away from ‘Benefits Street’ any time soon.

I’m not that much better off now, I live in social housing, only just above the poverty line and I can barely afford the bills, I’m unable to afford to replace our broken cooker or carpets and we have no real luxuries.

But now we pay our own way, we never break the law or take drugs, we’re a world away from Benefits Street but I’m under no illusion… it only takes a small action, a marriage split, getting laid off… we’ll be back on Benefits Street and I’m well aware of the struggle to survive…

So when I watch Benefits Street, I watch it with open eyes, I see the state of the woman’s house and see she has no support, she has no reason to keep a tidy house, it’s going to look just as bad with the toys away. The guy drinking is trying to blot out the bullshit of a life with nothing, and it is a life with nothing.

I ask those of you who have nice jobs and live in nice houses in nice areas, would you trade lives with those on Benefits Street? I am assuming the answer is a resounding “HELL NO!” So free money and free housing isn’t a great life.
Have any of you tried to live on £70 a week? £15 on gas, £15 on electricity, £5 tv license, leaving £35 to divide between water rates, food, phone top-up, bus fares, clothes, and everything else a person needs to get by. Now you can see there’s no money to make a home look nice, can you see that the house will never look tidy? Tired old carpets and walls?
And hardly enough to fund a drug or alcohol addiction is there?
And before someone even thinks about that issue of all the benefits claimants owning big TVs etc… Ever heard of Bright House? It’s one of those shops that no matter how bad your credit, you can get a nice modern tv, and better still, you can have it and pay just a few pounds a week… But for a few years! You’ll pay 3 times the rrp for the privilege. A bit like those provident loans where you can borrow £400 to get through Xmas or buy a new sofa but you’ll be paying back £700.
The poorer you are, the more you’re exploited.

You have to be so careful when you’re judging another person’s situation… there is a much bigger picture and no-one is truly happy to live on benefits.

Entry level jobs are hard to get…
You can’t walk onto a building site nowadays an pick up a broom and become a labourer… You need a cscs card before you can get on site. And to get a cscs card you need to be literate, pass an exam and have a few quid for the card… £50 will get you the card alone… Out of your £70 weekly benefit.
The big corporate businesses like British Telecom have sold out our job seekers. Instead of those jobs being available to our unemployed, BT and other companies use call centres in countries like India because it’s cheaper than paying British people a living wage.
And we are constantly being told how single mothers are a drain on the system… But our government is happy to help with child care and pay childminders to look after children so they can force single mums back to work, but are unhappy to pay the mums that same amount to take care of their own children for just a few years?! It makes no sense.

But our government and our media will continue to demonise those on benefits… not the 50% that are pensioners… Nor the disabled (though they are beginning to be targeted) but the 4% of claimants that are unemployed. This is like a modern day witch hunt. Only the media is a much more powerful tool for the hunters….

And remember… Child benefit, DLA, state pensions, housing benefit, child tax credits, working tax credit… These are ALL benefits and those who live in glass houses…

 

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When ‘Being There’ Just Isn’t Enough…

Most of the time I’m positive about my life and the way I grew up. I know to a lot of people who were raised by loving parents my childhood probably seems pretty horrific, and some of it was I guess, but I have this knack of putting the dark stuff to the back of my mind, the bad stuff is there but masked by the good times, and against the odds I have hundreds of thousands of brilliant memories…

I made the best friends during my 15 years in care and none who understand me better than those who I shared the good times with. There’s an unsaid agreement that you don’t ask what your care brothers and sisters are ‘in’ for but at the same time there’s an understanding between you. No-one’s in care because they had fluffy homelives, it doesn’t work like that does it? I thought everyone’s parents were like mine until I was 7 or 8 and I realised that people don’t like to hear about your experiences if they’re not pink and fluffy so I invented a life before care in true Tracy Beaker style and would relay these stories to all my friends outside of the care system! lol

But the teenage years were the hardest, this is when you really realise that your experiences are so totally different to other people’s and guilt about events in your life sets in. You may try to tell a friend at school by easing into it really slowly, giving a tiny snippet of information and then their shock is so obvious you laugh it off as a joke and retract the initial statement you made and get on with it, knowing that you will never be ‘on the same level’ as your friends.

This is when your care siblings become closer than any of your childhood friends, they ‘get you’, they’ve had similar experiences so you’re tolerant of each other’s mood swings and anger outbursts. When you leave care and lose touch it’s the loneliest feeling in the world.

When I left care I was more alone than I’d ever been before and first got the keys to a crappy bedsit at 16/17, well shared house really. I got moved into 2 or 3 bedsits until I settled in the last one. I was the only female and in the room to one side was 3 heroin addicts straight out of Brixton jail and on the other side a 40 year old pimp who scared the shit out of me so badly that when he tried to kill one of the other guys in the house with a hammer and hid the hammer in my room I said nothing and silently agreed to share his bed for the night so when the police turned up I would be his alibi… I once saw him chase his missus with a meat cleaver then beat her to a pulp so I wasn’t going to get on the wrong side of him.  downstairs was a fucked up ex copper and a 65yr old knicker stealing alcoholic so life as a care leaver wasn’t the best but you make the best of a bad situation and get on with it with the help of drugs and boys and alcohol and petty crime until you’re 18 and social services helps get the ultimate prize… your own council flat.

Anyhow, because of the joys of social networking and facebook, I’ve been reunited with a few of my care brothers and sisters and though it’s made me happy, of course it has, the people that I grew up with, fought with, cried with and laughed with were back on the scene… but it has brought with it a new heartache.. the realisation that life could have been different as it has been for so many of my siblings.

To find out that for some suicide was the best option has broken my heart and I’m left thinking ‘why wasn’t I there for you earlier’. For others prostitution was their way to get through life, for a fair few hard drugs, for others alcohol, for many crime and jail and some of these haven’t made it as far as the rest of us… but the ones who my heart aches the most over are the ones who tried so hard to break the cycle and failed… not through any real fault of their own, but because of shitty circumstances the children they love so much have been taken from them and placed in the same system that fucked us all up and made us the way we are.

These are the ones I want to help the most but I feel useless and ‘being there’ for them just isn’t enough to make a difference in their circumstances and it’s an excruciating pain that the friends you once considered your brother or sister are going through that.

There is no happy ending to this post for now, I can only hope that being positive and being here when they need me is enough to get them through the next day, and the day after…

 
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Posted by on September 17, 2013 in Life, The Past.

 

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Riots?? In Civilised London??? WTF?!!!

Firstly, I’d like to apologise in advance. There may be some swearing in this post as I’m so angry!

Everyone who knows me, knows I’m a very opinionated woman, with very strong values. I find it difficult to accept that other people can’t have good values or morals as I don’t think it’s that hard, nor do I think you necessarily need to be raised with these morals and values.

I didn’t have the very best start in life. I suffered abuse and neglect. I was taken into care aged 3 and I never felt loved as a child, in fact, I rarely felt ‘liked’. I had a very low self-asteem and I thought I’d amount to nothing. I lived on my own in a bedsit at 16 or 17 still under social services ‘care’ and was deemed ‘institutionalised’ and ‘at risk of being overly dependant on men’. I dabbled in drugs, committed some petty crimes and ended up pregnant at 17.

In fact I was a single mum of 2 by 19 and living in a flat on the 8th floor of a tower block on a shitty council estate.

None of this is an excuse to raise my kids like feral animals.

Last Thursday, Specialist officers from Operation Trident were involved in the pre-planned attempted arrest of a man from Tottenham, 29 year old father of 4 Mark Duggan, which led to him being shot dead by police. There are allegations of the family having to wait 36-48 hours to see the body as well as other issues between them and the police. I don’t want to speculate on the death of this man as I really don’t know the cold hard facts.

Do I think the police were justified? My thinking is that he must have been under surveillance for some time and he ‘allegedly’ had possession of a handgun, and I do believe in  ‘live by the sword, die by the sword’. If someone chooses to carry an illegal firearm, they have to be willing to use it. And somewhere down the line someone will shoot at them, whether it be the police or another criminal.
Do I think he fired it at police? I don’t know, though evidence suggests not.

Do I think the police can make mistakes? Of course. They are human the same as the rest of us.

The bottom line is that because of this, the family and friends of Mark Duggan and approximately 300 people had begun a peaceful protest to demand answers from the police, this erupted into violence…

From there it seems, every youth in London that claimed to be ‘disadvantaged’ has jumped on the bandwagon and instigated violence and vandalism across our country’s Capital city.

Many town centres have been destroyed… shops smashed up, looted, and raised to the ground. Cars smashed up, overturned and set alight. Bricks and missiles being hurled at the police.

There is no reason for this now, I keep hearing phrases like ‘mindless vandalism‘… this isn’t mindless!! It’s a premeditated, pre-planned operation! Kids have been using BBM, Facebook, Twitter and suchlike to organise rioting and looting across our great capital and the police just haven’t had the manpower on the street to deal with it! People are frightened, youths are going feral and there seems to be no stopping them.

Here is a video of an injured Malaysian student. Ashraf Haziq was attacked and robbed randomly in Barking. He is now in Hospital with a broken jaw, and broken tooth and awaiting an operation. He’d been on his way to visit a friend when he was beaten and had his bike stolen, then this happened and he also lost his mobile phone and wallet.

Please be warned, it is VERY distressing.

It’s hard to escape talk of the riots, it’s been 4 nights now and if you take a walk down any High Street in practically any town you’ll see the damage that these thugs have done. Once they finish looting they set what’s left on fire. It seems that every JD Sports, Foot Locker, PC World, music shop, games shop, phone shop, designer clothes shop etc. has been looted… Waterstone’s, the book shop has amazingly remained unscathed.

More seriously, people’s homes have been destroyed, their businesses, cars, everything. The bustling shopping areas of London look like a warzone.

These are from Barking, one of the lesser hit places.

But then amazingly, out of this devastation, a new community spirit is emerging… People are vowing NOT to allow these thugs destroy our city. Monday night, a few people on twitter decided that they were going to start something new… #riotcleanup began! Communities were coming together and planning clean-up operations everywhere that had been destroyed. Yesterday morning armed with brooms, gloves and black sacks, thousands of people came out and swept the streets clean.

The Wonderful People of Clapham!

Of course we have the fabulous Emergency Services to thank for the relatively quiet night last night, a few towns outside of London were targeted… Manchester, Birmingham and a few others, but the presence of 16000 police on London’s streets may have scared the little thugs back under their rocks!

And I HAVE to mention the wonderful Sikhs of Southall! Hundreds of Sikh men, patrolled the streets outside their Gurdwara (and also stood guard outside the local Mosque while Muslims were worshipping!) Peaceful and dignified but not willing to put up with thuggery from British youth.
The British Asians of this country showed the EDL (English Defence League) what defending England is all about!

Though the EDL haven’t done much defending at all! In fact they sat in a pub in Eltham getting drunk all day yesterday, tying up police resources as they were risking public order!

As was tweeted last night… ‘ Bloody immigration. We let these Sikhs into our country and all they do is defend our boroughs and communities’. ;0)

This brings me to add a bit of humour to the post, this wasn’t about the riots but it always makes me smile. ;0)

 
 

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A Tragic Week.

This last week’s events have been tragic.

Firstly there were the inexpiable crimes that unfolded in Norway on Friday.

The following was a message I received on facebook from Samuel Tarry of  an anti-Hate group I support, it sums up how I feel about the Norwegian’s firm determination to not allow this crisis impair their stand on any kind of extremist violence;

Barking & Dagenham Hope not Hate

Barking & Dagenham Hope not Hate
  • Today we are all Norwegian. Please sign our book of condolences.
    Dear Friend,
    I am sure you will share with me a sense of shock, disbelief and outrage at the appalling events that took place in Norway last Friday. The horrors we have seen unfold are almost unimaginable and our thoughts go out to everyone affected.
    The response of the Norwegian people has been humbling – a poignant contrast to those who so quickly and hysterically sought to blame Muslims for this act of extremist terror. Instead of vengeance, the Prime Minister of Norway called for more democracy, asserting that their values would not be shaken by the politics of hate made so violently real.
    As a supporter of HOPE not hate, and of our struggle against fascism, hatred, bigotry and racism, I would ask that you join me in signing our book of condolences.Will you join me in signing our book of condolences to the Norwegian people?

 The atrocities were the awful consequence of the politics of hate. While Anders Breivik appears to have acted alone he was motivated and driven by the propaganda and anti-Muslim hatred pushed by Christian fundamentalist, right-wing Conservative and far-right groups.

It is the same hatred that inspired the London nail bomber David Copeland and drives groups such as the BNP and the English Defence League in this country.

It is how we respond to this hatred that a society will be measured and the people of Norway have shown us the way. Just as London united after the 7/7 bombings, the people of Norway are refusing to get drawn into anger and hatred. Instead they are fighting hate with hope – standing firm together and reaffirming their democratic principles.

Let’s send them a message of support.

http://action.hopenothate.org.uk/today-we-are-all-norwegian

We will present copies of this book of condolences to the Norwegian Embassy in London and our sister organisation in Norway.

Although we are stunned by the events we have seen it is also vital that we turn grief into action and hope. If we do, then the likes of Anders Breivik and the EDL that he actively supported will fail.

I dag er vi alle norske. Today we are all Norwegian.

In solidarity

Sam

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There is no more I could add, except maybe to encourage others to add their condolences to the book.

RIP to all the 76 who were slain and the countless other victims of  Anders Behring Breivik.

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Secondly, on Saturday, Amy Winehouse was found dead.

Now I know that few people have sympathy for addicts of any kind, and people are comparing the two events, with an opinion that one deserves more sympathy than the other.

but growing up in care I guess I knew my fair share of addicts… I was even one myself.

I spoke in a previous post about my addiction to cigarettes, but that’s not all I’ve had to battle with to quit.

Different people deal with traumatic events in their lives in very different ways. I was a self-harmer. There are probably less than a handful of people that actually know this about me so this is the first time I’ve spoken publicly about it.

I experimented with just every drug there is, not many really appealed to me, I smoked a bit of weed, did some speed, but it was self-harm that was my drug. Even now, when things have got really tough, I have to fight to stop myself reaching for the razor blades. I know it’s one of those things people just don’t understand and I wouldn’t expect them to, it’s tough to understand when you’re actually the one doing it. I certainly wouldn’t want anyone to go through it themselves.

Anyway, over the last few days I’ve found myself trying to explain on facebook, that there is more to Amy’s tragic end than ‘Just another Junkie now off the streets’.

So many people are so cold-hearted towards a fellow human-being. No-one knows the circumstances that made her try drugs for the first time, but people rarely become addicts ‘just for the fun of it’.

Kurt Cobain, Brian Jones, Jimi Hendrix, Elvis, Judy Garland, Janis Joplin, Marilyn Monroe, Michael Jackson and now Amy Winehouse. It matters none if it’s Alcohol, Heroin, Cocaine, Pain Killers, Anti-Depressants, Sleeping Pills, Cigarettes or Cannabis. They’re all drugs, all addictive and all damaging…. So why condemn & speak so cruelly about someone when those before her are treated like legends?

 They all deserve to be treated with respect. Just because they were weak doesn’t mean we shouldn’t feel sad for their lost lives. She was a tortured and talented soul who has left behind devastated family, friends and fans.

Yet another member of the notorious 27 Club…

No-one wants to become a member but the membership list is growing, sadly.

Russell Brand summed it up in a poignant tribute to Amy.

Please read it…

http://www.russellbrand.tv/2011/07/for-amy/

She was a huge talent, wasted a little on someone who didn’t embrace it?… Maybe.

…but she never signed up to be perfect, or even a role model… Just a singer. And she did that well.

Camden will miss her.

RIP Amy Winehouse.

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Thirdly, there was the high speed train crash on Saturday which killed 39 and injured almost 200 people in Xinhua, South of Shanghai, China.

This hasn’t been on the news surprisingly. (?) a 2 year old girl Xiang Weiyi, was pulled from the wreckage 21 hours after the crash and there was a worrying moment when they thought her little leg would be amputated, but they have managed to save her injured leg, sadly her parents weren’t so lucky and lost their lives.

picture from xinhuanet.com

I found the latest on here http://latestchina.com/article/?rid=42549

RIP to all those whose lives were lost and love and hope to the survivors.

 
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Posted by on July 26, 2011 in News

 

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Some Facts About Me…

My name means ‘Angel’ so I collect anything to do with angels.

Flanagan is a nickname that means red-haired one.

I also collect key-rings from everywhere I go and all my pals buy me one when they go anywhere!!

I have a VERY strong personality! It takes a very strong man to stand beside such a strong woman.

I am VERY opinionated!!

My dad is the only person I have ever hated.

I was in care for 15 years.

I did drugs for years. (but despise them now.)

I can’t stand people that judge me before really getting to know me.

But I am often guilty of judging someone before I really know them… I feel SO guilty after that I usually apologise and tell them why!

I am still on a journey of self-discovery.

I love reading childhood memoirs & survivor stories, I hope to write my own book in the not too distant future.

My glass is always half-full.

I don’t take anything in life seriously.

I am left-handed.

I LOVE British films, they’re so under-rated.

I wish I’d never lost touch with old friends. (I love facebook for reuniting me with some of them.)

I can’t abide liars and thieves.

I love all vegetables!

I am the proud mother of 4 sons and a daughter. (and it still amazes me!) they are all very special to me in their individual ways, and like any Mum I think my children are better than anyone else’s!

I was a ‘new mum’ in my teens, 20’s and 30’s!!

I am a bit of an ‘Earth Mother’…. natural birth, babywearing, blw, breastfeeding, cloth nappies etc.

I have 9 tattoos (3 were cover-ups so technically I had 12!!) and 13 piercings.

I HATE HATE HATE Marmite!!!!!!!! YUK!!

I HATE horror films so much that I have to watch something nice after, or I have nightmares!!

I LOVED being an Army Wife.

I HATED being an Army Wife!

I am a stereotypical red-haired, scorpio with Irish heritage… RED HOT TEMPER!!! LOL

I am extremely loyal to my family and friends.

I don’t tolerate any type of ignorance… there’s no room in my life for them.

Much to everyone’s annoyance, I analyse everything and everyone in my life!!

I have Bambakomallophobia… I am SO scared of cotton wool!!! YES, REALLY!!! lol

School days were NOT the best days of my life! Teenage years are the worst!!!

I have the BEST friends in the world!! OF course!!! Some of my best friends have passed away over the last few years, I will try never to lose touch with friends again.

I am addicted to E-BAY!!!!!! I cannot live without it!!!!

I have very few regrets…’Don’t regret the things you do…Regret the things you DON’T do’… Fabulous philosophy.

I am a VERY philosophical person, more so than most.

I am a TERRIBLE singer!!!

I miss London so much. I love Starbucks, Pure Waffle, being able to walk to Camden Market and sitting on Primrose Hill with a good book. etc.

I have a very sarcastic sense of humour… some people miss the humour bit! (ooops!) but I never mean offence.

I love nothing better than a good book, a coffee and some peace at the end of the day.

I love blogging as it gives me such an insight into my friends lives.

When I’m happy, I’m on a crazy high… when I’m down, I’m desperately depressed.

I suffer with C-PTSD

I think there’s no excuse for bad manners, I hate it when people push past me… and then even worse, when they don’t apologise.

You can read my mood by how I’m dressed and how my house looks…

I try to raise my kids to be independent, tolerant, domesticated, polite and to embrace their individuality. I think I’m succeeding so far.

I am very insecure though I have learnt to appear confident to those that don’t know me.

I can be sooooo immature… and I don’t care what people think. I’m not dead yet!!

I love the Disney store and Hamleys!

My best night out goes like this… meal, West End Show, drink, walking back home a bit tipsy!!

I am a bit OCD. I have to plan everything, I hate changes to my routine, I do almost everything in even numbers (but my favourite number is 13!?!) & I love the smell of bleach, Milton and Dettol!!

I really hate cooking… I hate cleaning the kitchen after dinner more!

Army wives really do have it hard, no-one realises that.

I am a worrier, I even worry that I worry too much!

I always try to understand the other persons point of view and get upset when others don’t do the same.

I have always preferred humour to good looks in a man, looks will fade with age… humour only gets better!

I have always talked WAY too much!!

… and waffled on & on!!

I get passionate about certain subjects and go on about them a bit when the conversation starts!!

The smallest things can aggravate me!

Although I am working class and I live in a council house, I DO look down my nose at those that cannot be bothered to work and live on typically rough council estates… THEY made those estates rough, areas only get ‘rough’ when the residents don’t give a sh*t about the way they live and it really pisses me off.

I love a good debate, it exercises the brain cells!

The 3 most important goals in my life are:

…..1) To be settled in a loving relationship.

…..2) To be the best Mother I could be. (well, I am still trying!)

…..3) To start my own business.

I hate women swearing, but I do all the time.

I smoked way too much. (I quit in January 2011!)

I am such a craft-geek!! … anything to do with fabric and amigurumi!!

I love to shop!! I love buying things for people, I always see things for friends/family when I’m out and I always wish I had more money!

I write lists about EVERYTHING!!!

Though I lived in London for 37 years and used it almost daily, I am petrified of the tube!! (London Underground, that is!)

But in all I love London Transport! (I miss it much!)

I am never serious for very long.

I carry my life in my handbag… and a load of crap that I never use but ‘may come in handy’!!! ie. swiss army knife thingy, 1st aid kit, nazar boncuğu, babywipes, handgel and more that I’m too embarrassed to admit!! then there’s the usual…diary, makeup, brush, mirror, keys, mobile phone, purse etc. (LOL see more OCD!!)

I love coffee. Not cheap coffee… but the kind that you get from the little cafés in St Johns Wood & Hampstead. (well, if they’re gonna spend £6 million on a house, they ain’t gonna drink shit coffee!!!!)

I am a bit of a snob. I can’t afford to live the lifestyle that I love & that’s probably why I miss living in St Johns Wood so much.

A lot of people have had a huge impact on me, by giving little bits of wisdom and they probably don’t know how much it has affected my life in a positive way. Some of them have been children… kids sometimes have the answers… if you take the time to listen.

I don’t drink often, unless I am in a social situation… even then I don’t always drink.

I have had LOADS of driving lessons and I STILL can’t drive!!! I think some people just aren’t cut out for it! (like those people you swear & curse at on the road!)

I still feel I have a lot to learn about life, and I believe in the sayings “you live and learn” & “you learn something new every day” I think the most unexpected people you can learn from are children.

I didn’t have a very good childhood but I feel it was the life I was ‘meant to have’. It has made me a very tolerant and understanding person.

I hate it when people use their bad pasts as an excuse to be an ‘arsehole’

I love roses, daisies, lilies and poppies…. but I can’t stand flowery things in general. (curtains, wallpaper etc.)

I come across as a very closed off person emotionally but on my own I am an emotional wreck!

I am (& always have been) a daydreamer. I’m so good at it!!

Christmas is my favourite time of year, it is so magical when you have children. I get so hyped up that I even convince myself that Santa is real!!

I am a very spiritual person.

I believe that some of the most aesthetically beautiful people (on the outside) are the most ugly people on the inside and vice versa.

The friends that have touched my heart… Tammy, (she’ll always be my best childhood friend), Shirley (we went through those awful teenage years together), Jane (we learned how to be parents… & adults together! RIP old pal), Angie (the best listener in the world & knows how to make me laugh!), Ray (he was my rock and he never even knew it), Nicki (got each other through some devastating times), Andy (a real good friend, always there when you need a pal to catch a movie! RIP Drew mate), Ann (I never showed her how much I appreciated what she did for me, it was a tough time), Elise (Made me laugh at a time when I thought I’d never smile again), Emma (café buddy & circle-slut. lol), Michelle (I should be a better pal to you) Love them all.

I think the problem with this country is down to bad parenting and lack of role-models. Parents want to be their kids best mate… Do they think their kids need parents or more friends? Can their kids not find their own friends? We are parents, it’s a job, start parenting your kids people!!!

I fall pregnant WAY too easily!!!

Being a teenage Mum was way harder than I thought it would be! It was the scariest thing I have ever done and I think I would’ve done a much better job if I had been older.

Adults really DID have the best advice when I was a teenager and I SHOULD have listened more!!

I was happy being single, I really enjoy my own company, not that many people I know can say that.

I hate infidelity, there’s absolutely no reason to hurt someone like that and definitely no excuse. (no, not even alcohol!)

I have worked in many pubs and I NEVER have ice in a drink from a pub!! (ew!)

I battled anorexia for years and at one point I weighed under 6 stone.

The best job I have ever done was being a childminder.Vicky, Amy, Billy, Sansel, Cema, Necati, Adam & Emily have a special place in my heart, they really kept me on my toes!!

I love music and I am most emotional when listening to music, what I listen to definitely reflects my mood.

I hate seeing girls bite their nails!

I hated being ginger and wished I was a brunette…. until I got to 20 something and my hair started to get darker! I realised I LOVE being a red-head! It attracts lots of positive attention!

When I was little I wanted a VW Beetle painted red with black spots!! (like a ladybird!)

I used to self-harm and get so frustrated at people that think it’s only for attention! (that’s why self-harmers hide it!!)

I love weird pets. I have had rats, ferrets, chipmunks (my fave), lizards (my other fave), as well as the usual dogs, cats, guinea pigs. We now have a guinea pig and 1 Axolotl. (we had 2 but Bob kept biting Margaret’s limbs off!)

psychology is my hobby. (I think it’s because I love to analyse everything and everyone!)

I have an illogical paranoia about public loos. (or am I right? hmmm…) anyway I carry hand-gel EVERYWHERE and refuse to wash my hands at the sinks in them!

I can’t stand procrastinating…. I can’t stand knowing there’s things to be done, I can’t relax until things are done!

I love the Autumn.

Men do ‘fantasy football’… I do ‘fantasy girls night out’!! On my list is… Holly Willoughby, Fern Cotton, Davina mcCall, Sarah Cox, Sarah Cawood, Jade Goody (bless her), Denise Van Outen, Jo Brand, and a few others. I’d invite Paris Hilton just to take the piss out of!

I still have a tatty little ragdoll in 70’s colours called Julie and she’s not much younger than me! It’s the only thing I’ve had my whole life.

I am crap at telling jokes but I am the b*ll*cks at writing best man speeches for people!! (if I do say so myself!)

I have a ‘thing’ for Russell Brand and James Corden!

My worst habit is that I interrupt people mid-conversation… I don’t mean to but I have a shite memory and I get worried that I’ll forget what I was going to say! Sorry!

I used to do ‘voluntary’ work at a Scout Camp and I loved it!

I am a sympathetic vomiter! I vomit if I see/hear/smell vomit!!

I am STILL an E17 fan!

I have a ‘treasure box’ of each of my children. Each contains; umbilical peg thingy, scan pics, hospital wrist bands, first tooth, lock of hair, first teddy, favourite baby toy, 1st birthday cards, pictures/paintings/clay models, sewing etc. that they’ve done in school, certificates, medals, trophies, souvenirs from places they’ve been and a whole lot more! They think it’s all rubbish!! (yes hoarding!!)

I did my 1st Race for Life when I was pregnant with my daughter and I plan to do it every year with her.

I am petrified of bees and wasps!! (I think it’s because red-hair attracts them!)

I had a beloved cabbage patch kid that was stolen from me in a children’s home so my friend bought me an exact replica.(aw)

Because I wasn’t raised by my family, I have always felt like an outcast. I still feel like a loner.

I’m not a trusting person. I only trust someone 95% tops, that gives them a 5% chance at breaking my trust. Then I can’t get hurt can I? I knew there was room for doubt!

I am the only civilian that can iron properly!!!

Since my husband left the army I have realised that the ‘squaddie humour’ that all army wives become accustomed to, is now ‘sick humour’ in civvy street and women aren’t supposed to laugh at it!!!

I have brothers and sisters that I’ve never met. I envy people who have close sibling relationships.

I am a facebook and twitter addict!

 
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Posted by on June 26, 2011 in Life, Thoughts

 

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