Where do I begin?…
I’m in familiar surroundings yet I feel lost. I’m surrounded by people yet I feel so alone. I want to scream how I feel from the rooftops yet I’m silent.
I know the signs, the symptoms of PTSD…. I’ve learnt to recognise the signs and somehow I accept it as it’s part of ‘me’ but I know it’s hard for those around me to deal with.
I often find it hard to admit that I’m a sufferer because people associate PTSD with the armed forces and they don’t even know that it’s possible for anyone else to be diagnosed with it.
I’ve been feeling depressed and the anxiety and insomnia is back. I’m desperately distancing myself from people that don’t really know me and clinging to people that do. I’m a bit of an emotional wreck on the inside but cool, calm and collected on the outside. I’m ready to snap and trying so hard to keep a grip…
I just wish it would go away and let me be happy and positive again .
Category Archives: The Past.
Where do I begin?…
Sometimes life just plods along and each day is much like the one before. Not that that’s a bad thing, in fact I like the mundane normality as opposed to having my life turned upside down by surprises, I’m very much a structure and routine person, it probably comes from spending much of my life living out of boxes or not knowing what mood people were going to walk in with, I hate feeling on edge so I’ve made my life fairly structured with only a spattering of spontaneity.
Anyway, this last week has been a strange one. I’ve had a few friend requests on facebook that I’ve left hanging… They’re people that were part of, or reminders of my darker past and I’m not sure I want to face that at the moment… One is a friend who I confided so much in and who attended court with me where I was giving evidence. This friend was a great friend, a rock in times of darkness but knows stuff about me that few others do. I can’t deal with that.
The problem is I walk away from friends way too quickly… I find it incredibly hard to trust people and when I find myself almost confiding in them I immediately push them away. I can be quite mean in the process and I’m sure all I want is to know they would never betray my trust but I push and say mean things so they stay away, leaving them thinking I’m a heartless bitch.
I hate this about myself and I find it impossible to change, I don’t know where to start. Most of my friends, except the real friends that have known me for the longest time, think I’m cold. I rarely cry in front of anyone, not even my husband. I’m not one of these people that cries on people’s shoulders, I cry my tears alone and so quietly you could stand next to me and not even know. That’s something I learnt in care I guess and I’m no different now.
So anyhow, another friend request was from a friend I was in a care home with, it was a horrendous place and miles from anywhere I knew, we both had awful experiences there and we stuck together like glue, we used to call each other ‘sister’ but again I got out of there and pushed her away. I push these people out of my life and think the bad times are gone but they’re not are they? Because a lovely person I thought of as a sister requests me as a friend and all I can think of are awful times! WTF?!
My biggest issue I think is that I had counselling back in the day but I was self medicating at the same time, not the best idea and it prevented me from dealing with it at all… Half an hour of counselling followed by a little opium, (while on the benzos!) hmmm that dealt with the problems a treat!
I wasn’t ready for the counselling, I wasn’t ready to confront anything so I self harmed and self medicated. I love the phrase ‘self medicated’ it sounds like it’s ok… It’s not. Basically I took lots and lots of drugs. Everyone I know (from the scene then) says “I did everything but inject” which makes it all sound somehow better… But I didn’t inject because I was afraid of needles, I wasn’t afraid of smoking heroin, or crack or popping benzos, or dropping whatever pills I could get my hands on. I didn’t care what they were or what effect they had as long as they had an effect. I got to that point where I was waking up, scoring and spending the day high with other fucked up souls or going out dropping e (or/and 2c). I didn’t care if I lived or died, I guess I hoped I wouldn’t wake up many times. But I did. It wasn’t until my ‘brother’ died of a heroin overdose that I really thought about what effect the past and the drugs had and how the counselling didn’t work and nor did the drugs… That’s why I’m sat here confused and blogging a probably senseless post that only I understand!
But I did manage to pull myself out of that, with help of course for which I’m eternally grateful. I went on to have my kids and try to be a good mother. I can give good advice as I’ve been there, done that. But I still have my issues to sort out. My lack of trust, my inability to let people in. That I need to work on but I can’t let the past into me present to fuck up my future. That I won’t allow so again I push another good friend away…
Weirdly my saving grace this week was speaking to my niece, she is so awesome and has dealt with life so much better than I did at her age.
She is amazing and I hope she isn’t put off by our previous dysfunction!
Another reason to be thankful. X
Okay, so there’s this new series on a certain TV channel called Benefits Street…
The main characters all live in houses on what appears to be a run down street and they all claim benefits and are unemployed.
I’m totally split in my opinion of the show…
One half of me thinks that the production company has hand picked the worst examples just to turn the country against people that claim benefits.
I’m not going to name the characters or go into details but there are people with poor hygiene, bad etiquette and rough speech going to get their payments then shoplifting alcohol from hardworking shop owners and laughing about it, There are people claiming benefits as single people but are in a relationship who have had their benefits stopped but are complaining that it’s not their fault and the benefits agency is in the wrong, the children are grubby looking and eating crap and the house is a tip… 2 adults are at home all day and the house is a bloody tip… They are rough and brash and if you were walking down the road with them, their calls of “oi wanker” to their friends would make you cringe…
Then the other half of me remembers how my life used to be and what sort of friends I had and I remember the feeling of hopelessness and worthlessness and depression and confinement.
I remember the ‘fuck ’em’ attitude I had towards the world.
In my last few year in care, when I was living in a bedsit at 16/17, I was asleep and the guy from the room next to me snuck into my room, I woke up immediately, I was used to being on alert when I was asleep… he had a hammer in his hand, it was wrapped in a blood stained tea towel and he was trying to hide it. I was terrified so I let him hide it and then he realised I was awake. To cut a very long story short, he forced me to sleep in his bed and lie to the police that we’d been there all night, I had felt safe there until that night. So I clung onto other teens in my position. We’d all sleep over each other’s bedsits, we’d shoplift for food and clothes, we’d spend any cash we got on drugs and alcohol. I didn’t care about what drugs they were, who cared? They blotted out the bullshit of life and made me feel like I was living someone else’s life. I really didn’t care less if they’d kill me, life was seriously shit and I couldn’t handle it without drugs, men and a sharp object to harm myself and anyone else who took the piss. We’d fight, we’d steal, we’d commit criminal damage, we really didn’t care.
I used to sit on the tube watching other 16/17 year old’s with their parents with bags of new stuff, laughing and hugging, on their way home to somewhere safe, they could sleep without fear and I’d seriously feel hatred… no-one was there for me so ‘fuck ’em’… they’d get home and probably realise their purse was missing, the money spent on drugs they’d never have to take to blot out the life they’d never have to live… fuck ’em.
When social services had finished with me at 18, they handed me the keys to a flat 10 miles from where I had been living and a bundle of benefits forms, a leaving care grant of about £500 and a community care grant form (that I had no idea about) and that was it…
I was a scared, pregnant 18 year old girl, standing in a cold empty flat with no support and no idea what I had to do next.
I filled in the forms and messed that right up, I managed somehow to scrape some furniture together and of course I met the locals… I stopped the drugs and tried to sort my life out but knew that the local junkies would get you anything you wanted for a much lower price than the shops… all you needed to say was ” I need a new kettle” and half hour later they’d be on the doorstep with a £50 kettle asking for £20. You could easily haggle it down to a tenner and course you never asked where it was from but of course everyone knew.
People were always getting evicted or going into prison so furniture was easy to get hold of cheap or it’d be dumped at the back of the block for the kids to set alight to later for a bit of entertainment.
I had an on-off relationship with my eldest son’s dad and by 19 I was a single teenage mum of 2 little boys… A right gobby bitch, smoking, drinking, swearing, stealing, fighting, looking for trouble at the same time as trying to stay out of it and the local police knew my details on sight. That was life, it was normal, it had been normal for years… it was what people expected from an angry careleaver, it’s what they expected from a teenage mum and most of us knew no other way.
Then something happened to change my life forever. I woke up and saw things differently, I saw what I was and what I could be. I learnt to value myself and to value those around me. I learnt about ambition, education, about love, about accepting and letting go of the past, embracing the present and jumping headfirst and grasping onto the future.
I learnt to love myself and value my own life and in turn value other people. I learnt compassion and empathy and tolerance.
I did parenting courses, I went to college and gained childcare qualifications, I spent my days trying to be a better mum and a better person. I made better choices, I started working and being productive, I found a boyfriend, he joined the army. Our army friends had no idea of our pasts so it was easy to change, no-one could point the finger and say “That was her that did ****”.
I changed because I was lucky… I am still in touch with my friends that weren’t so lucky, and I’d love nothing more than to change their lives, but it’s so so hard… they’re not getting away from ‘Benefits Street’ any time soon.
I’m not that much better off now, I live in social housing, only just above the poverty line and I can barely afford the bills, I’m unable to afford to replace our broken cooker or carpets and we have no real luxuries.
But now we pay our own way, we never break the law or take drugs, we’re a world away from Benefits Street but I’m under no illusion… it only takes a small action, a marriage split, getting laid off… we’ll be back on Benefits Street and I’m well aware of the struggle to survive…
So when I watch Benefits Street, I watch it with open eyes, I see the state of the woman’s house and see she has no support, she has no reason to keep a tidy house, it’s going to look just as bad with the toys away. The guy drinking is trying to blot out the bullshit of a life with nothing, and it is a life with nothing.
I ask those of you who have nice jobs and live in nice houses in nice areas, would you trade lives with those on Benefits Street? I am assuming the answer is a resounding “HELL NO!” So free money and free housing isn’t a great life.
Have any of you tried to live on £70 a week? £15 on gas, £15 on electricity, £5 tv license, leaving £35 to divide between water rates, food, phone top-up, bus fares, clothes, and everything else a person needs to get by. Now you can see there’s no money to make a home look nice, can you see that the house will never look tidy? Tired old carpets and walls?
And hardly enough to fund a drug or alcohol addiction is there?
And before someone even thinks about that issue of all the benefits claimants owning big TVs etc… Ever heard of Bright House? It’s one of those shops that no matter how bad your credit, you can get a nice modern tv, and better still, you can have it and pay just a few pounds a week… But for a few years! You’ll pay 3 times the rrp for the privilege. A bit like those provident loans where you can borrow £400 to get through Xmas or buy a new sofa but you’ll be paying back £700.
The poorer you are, the more you’re exploited.
You have to be so careful when you’re judging another person’s situation… there is a much bigger picture and no-one is truly happy to live on benefits.
Entry level jobs are hard to get…
You can’t walk onto a building site nowadays an pick up a broom and become a labourer… You need a cscs card before you can get on site. And to get a cscs card you need to be literate, pass an exam and have a few quid for the card… £50 will get you the card alone… Out of your £70 weekly benefit.
The big corporate businesses like British Telecom have sold out our job seekers. Instead of those jobs being available to our unemployed, BT and other companies use call centres in countries like India because it’s cheaper than paying British people a living wage.
And we are constantly being told how single mothers are a drain on the system… But our government is happy to help with child care and pay childminders to look after children so they can force single mums back to work, but are unhappy to pay the mums that same amount to take care of their own children for just a few years?! It makes no sense.
But our government and our media will continue to demonise those on benefits… not the 50% that are pensioners… Nor the disabled (though they are beginning to be targeted) but the 4% of claimants that are unemployed. This is like a modern day witch hunt. Only the media is a much more powerful tool for the hunters….
And remember… Child benefit, DLA, state pensions, housing benefit, child tax credits, working tax credit… These are ALL benefits and those who live in glass houses…
Ok, When I started this blog I wanted to write it as a care leaver because there is so little written about or by care leavers which ultimately makes us feel very alone and misunderstood especially as we become adults. We lack much of what most people have growing up and becoming adults and all that most care leavers have in the way of support are other care leavers with their own set of fucked up problems or social workers who really have no clue and who most care leavers avoid unless they really mess up!
I was going through the comments on one of my other posts and there was this one comment (on the post about being there not being enough for my friend) that didn’t much grammatical sense but the jist was that I needed to stop whinging about my life and stop being attention seeking on my blog…
now here’s the thing… firstly I’d like to point out that it’s MY blog so I can pretty much write whatever I want, and to be honest I never expected anyone to read it, it’s just my way of speaking aloud, it’s my therapy as it were. Secondly, all care leavers are accused of being attention seekers but to be fair most of us spend the majority of our time trying to blend in and appear ‘normal’ so as not to bring attention to ourselves.
Of course that isn’t to say that I can’t be a bit of an extrovert, but that’s usually a front or with a few glasses of wine and the right crowd. 😉
Anyhow, I don’t write about my life in care to gain attention, I have to write about some of the shit times, not to be attention seeking but because it would be difficult to connect with someone unless you know a little of their story, and believe me I only touch the surface on here.
As for whinging, I think I’m pretty positive about how my life’s turned out, yes I have my negative moments where I find it difficult to move forward and get a little trapped in time and find it hard to escape my memories, but they’re the times when I recoil from life a bit and avoid being around people, but hey you can’t be positive ALL the time!
The things most people work towards; education, work, home, friends, family, life, happiness… are things that are much harder to come by for most care leavers, but with a lot of hard work they are attainable.
I am incredibly proud of what I’ve achieved against the odds.
From now I will only leave positive comments on this blog, I don’t mind a debate but there is no room in my life for negativity so if you have nothing positive to say, please say nothing at all.
Most of the time I’m positive about my life and the way I grew up. I know to a lot of people who were raised by loving parents my childhood probably seems pretty horrific, and some of it was I guess, but I have this knack of putting the dark stuff to the back of my mind, the bad stuff is there but masked by the good times, and against the odds I have hundreds of thousands of brilliant memories…
I made the best friends during my 15 years in care and none who understand me better than those who I shared the good times with. There’s an unsaid agreement that you don’t ask what your care brothers and sisters are ‘in’ for but at the same time there’s an understanding between you. No-one’s in care because they had fluffy homelives, it doesn’t work like that does it? I thought everyone’s parents were like mine until I was 7 or 8 and I realised that people don’t like to hear about your experiences if they’re not pink and fluffy so I invented a life before care in true Tracy Beaker style and would relay these stories to all my friends outside of the care system! lol
But the teenage years were the hardest, this is when you really realise that your experiences are so totally different to other people’s and guilt about events in your life sets in. You may try to tell a friend at school by easing into it really slowly, giving a tiny snippet of information and then their shock is so obvious you laugh it off as a joke and retract the initial statement you made and get on with it, knowing that you will never be ‘on the same level’ as your friends.
This is when your care siblings become closer than any of your childhood friends, they ‘get you’, they’ve had similar experiences so you’re tolerant of each other’s mood swings and anger outbursts. When you leave care and lose touch it’s the loneliest feeling in the world.
When I left care I was more alone than I’d ever been before and first got the keys to a crappy bedsit at 16/17, well shared house really. I got moved into 2 or 3 bedsits until I settled in the last one. I was the only female and in the room to one side was 3 heroin addicts straight out of Brixton jail and on the other side a 40 year old pimp who scared the shit out of me so badly that when he tried to kill one of the other guys in the house with a hammer and hid the hammer in my room I said nothing and silently agreed to share his bed for the night so when the police turned up I would be his alibi… I once saw him chase his missus with a meat cleaver then beat her to a pulp so I wasn’t going to get on the wrong side of him. downstairs was a fucked up ex copper and a 65yr old knicker stealing alcoholic so life as a care leaver wasn’t the best but you make the best of a bad situation and get on with it with the help of drugs and boys and alcohol and petty crime until you’re 18 and social services helps get the ultimate prize… your own council flat.
Anyhow, because of the joys of social networking and facebook, I’ve been reunited with a few of my care brothers and sisters and though it’s made me happy, of course it has, the people that I grew up with, fought with, cried with and laughed with were back on the scene… but it has brought with it a new heartache.. the realisation that life could have been different as it has been for so many of my siblings.
To find out that for some suicide was the best option has broken my heart and I’m left thinking ‘why wasn’t I there for you earlier’. For others prostitution was their way to get through life, for a fair few hard drugs, for others alcohol, for many crime and jail and some of these haven’t made it as far as the rest of us… but the ones who my heart aches the most over are the ones who tried so hard to break the cycle and failed… not through any real fault of their own, but because of shitty circumstances the children they love so much have been taken from them and placed in the same system that fucked us all up and made us the way we are.
These are the ones I want to help the most but I feel useless and ‘being there’ for them just isn’t enough to make a difference in their circumstances and it’s an excruciating pain that the friends you once considered your brother or sister are going through that.
There is no happy ending to this post for now, I can only hope that being positive and being here when they need me is enough to get them through the next day, and the day after…
Anyone who knows me knows that I love social media, Twitter, WordPress, Pinterest, LinkedIn, Facebook… they’re all on my laptop, my tablet and my iphone and I use them daily… a few times… ok more than a few times. 😉
Of course those of my friends that follow any of my profiles on these, are well aware of my positive attitude to life and most are pretty understanding as they known of my struggles in life and know it’s because of my positive attitude that I’m still here. Many of my ‘siblings’ are not so lucky because of drugs, suicide, murder and that all consuming spiral that goes from abandonment, neglect and abuse to self-loathing, self-harm and self-destruct. Of course you know I’ve been there, sometimes the worst abuse a victim of abuse suffers is ultimately the abuse they cause themselves… drugs, self-harm, suicide attempts, alcohol, men, all those things that can be used negatively when the hatred of oneself takes over and all too often destroys from the inside out. It’s amazing that isn’t it? That the destruction starts from within? On the outside the person looks normal and in control, until the effects start to show on the outside, by then its far too late to be able to do anything to reverse the process.
So it took me many many years to realise that I deserved better than I had got up to that point. I realised that it wasn’t the things that I experienced that shaped me but the way I dealt with them and how I allowed them to affect me.I became so determined not to allow my upbringing destroy me or allow the cycle to continue so I started to take a moment each morning to reflect on what I wanted from the day and I read a positive affirmation to reinforce the knowledge that I was only going to focus on the positive things.
When life started to get more and more positive and I became a happier person, I looked around at my friends and became despondent… I felt so happy and positive about life but those I love were still unhappy and going through their own traumas over and over again and I wanted to do something to help them, so I shared some positivity. I would post a positive affirmation or quote every morning and a humorous one liner every evening. I started to see more positive statuses and tweets from friends who had started to look for the more positive things in their days.
Now this leads me to today, I hadn’t posted so many positive quotes for a while so I made a conscious effort to post one every morning again. Last week 2 people sent me messages having a ‘moan’ about me being ‘overly positive’ and said it’s ‘annoying’. Then someone made a funny comment about it in passing and someone close to me agreed that i came across overly positive and it really hurt my feelings. I can’t get my head around how a person can be viewed as overly positive or too happy? At least I’m not a miserable bastard, when I do have a bad day and have a good old rant, it’s usually warranted but to be accused of being too happy? What do people want from me?!
I’ve decided to have this rant with a f*ck ’em attitude and get back to being positive. I had a negative attitude to life for far too long and I won’t go back there. I believe in the law of attraction and like attracts like. I’m generally a happy person, I know I have a long way to go but I don’t tend to dwell so much on the negative nowadays and I’ve learnt to deal with my past for the most part. If people cant celebrate that accomplishment with me then it’s their problem.
As they say “Don’t let the bastards get you down’…
I was going through my i-tunes today to rearrange the playlists on my ipod and I realised that I have a kind of ‘Life Soundtrack’, those songs that remind me of important parts of my life. Some good times, some bad, but mostly these songs remind me of the times I have survived.
We’ve all got those songs that remind us of people or events in our lives, or hear a song and think ‘that exactly how I feel about that time when…!’
Well my soundtrack runs a little like this… (in no specific order) and is still a work in progress!
My main ‘LIFE’ tune is Creep by Radiohead…
In your Care, Tasmin Archer
Family Portrait, Pink
Ooh Child, The Five Stairsteps
How Come How Long, Babyface
Never Again, Nickelback
Because of You, Kelly Clarkson
Don’t Let Up, Akon
Me and Bobby McGee, Pink (she’s taken over Janis Joplin now!)
The Voice Within, Christina Aguilera
The Reason, Hoobastank
Freebird, Lynyrd Skynyrd
The Wind Beneath My Wings, Gary Morris
Don’t Cry, Guns ‘n’ Roses
November Rain, Guns ‘n’ Roses
Friend of a Friend, Foo Fighters
Knocking on Heaven’s Door, Guns ‘n’ Roses
Bed of Roses, Bon Jovi
Asleep, The Smiths
What’s Up, 4 Non Blondes
Under the Bridge, Red Hot Chilli Peppers
More Than Words, Extreme
Girl I’m gonna Miss You, Milli Vanilli
The Drugs Don’t Work, The Verve
Never Will I Break, 3 Doors Down
Fucking Perfect, Pink
I am Woman, Helen Reddy
Bitch, Meredith Brooks
Feeling Good, Michael Bublé
Someone Like You, Adele
2 out of 3 Ain’t Bad, Meatloaf
Tears in Heaven, Eric Clapton
Feels Like Home, Chantal Kreviazuk
Understanding (Wash it all Away), Evanescence
With or Without You, U2
Fix You, Coldplay
Someone to Love, E17
Know You By Heart, Eva Cassidy
Sweet Child of Mine, Sheryl Crow
My Immortal, Evanescence
Fallen, Sarah McLachlan
I Wish It Would Rain Down, Phil Collins
Each Time, E17
Here I go Again, Whitesnake
Jar of Hearts, Christina Perry
Never too Late, Hedley
Don’t Let Me Get Me, Pink
You Give Love a Bad Name, Bon Jovi
Nobody’s Perfect, Jessie J
You know I’m No Good, Amy Winehouse
Wherever you May Go, The Calling
You’re Making Me High, Toni Braxton
Iris, Goo Goo Dolls
Blow Me, Pink
For the Nights I Can’t Remember, Hedley
Over the Rainbow, Israel ‘Iz’ Kamakawiwo’ole
Don’t Stop Believing, Journey
Far Away, Nickelback
Defying Gravity, Idina Menzel
On My Own, Hedley
One Life, Hedley
I Stand, Idina Menzel
…to be continued…
For My Children…
Anything I do I do it for You, Bryan Adams
I know I Loved You Before I met You, Savage Garden
My Wish, Rascal Flatts