RSS

Category Archives: Life

Thank You…

I’ve always been a slim person, I’ve stayed fairly active most of my adult life and kept to a size 10 even after having kids. I was one of those people that could sit in Krispy Kreme and eat 3 or 4 of the yummiest glazed doughnuts and not put on an ounce… until about 7 years ago when I moved to a small town where I knew no-one, I was pretty unhappy in my marriage and with my life so I began comfort eating and not going out as much as I did before. The pounds piled on and I got to a size 16 and stayed that way until last year. My marriage was over and I ended it, I started to get out more and meet people and I stopped comfort eating. The weight started to drop off and I became more active so I felt happier than I’d felt in a long time.

I’m now back to my ‘normal’ size 10 and I’m happy and healthy. I’m 5’4″ and weigh a healthy 9 stone and my bmi is in the normal healthy range. My anxiety has decreased, my back problems have improved and my dry skin is clearing up.

But it seems that other people aren’t so happy for me! I’ve had a few comments from people (not even to me but about me to others!) saying I’ve ‘lost too much weight’ and I ‘look ill’. This really got me down when I first heard the comments because I’ve actually worked really hard to get here. I joke around and say it’s ‘the divorce diet’ and it’s having a stressful life but in all honesty I have really had to work hard to motivate myself to getting back to where I was happy with myself.

I wake up an hour every morning before my kids are up so I can spend an hour doing yoga and some positive affirmations, I do the school run and then run/walk (mainly brisk walking and a jog at best) around 10km-15km at least 4 times a week and I also meditate for an hour in the evening to wind down and relax. I eat a well balanced diet and yes I do still have the occasional full English breakfast, pizza or halfpounder, I love food, I’m not starving myself!!

image

But I am healthy, fit and feeling absolutely great about myself! My friends have seen the change in me, I am so much happier and stronger than I’ve been in a long time. My friends are glad to see the ‘old me’ back again and to be really honest, so am I.

This body has seen me through 43 years and carried and given birth to 5 amazing babies. I love my body, stretch marks, flabby bits, saggy bits, lumps, bumps and all, so to those who have been positive and complimented me, I Thank you. x

 

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on May 26, 2016 in Believe, Fitness, Life, Thoughts

 

New Beginnings

So it’s 2016… Time to start making New Year’s resolutions? Not at all. We can decide to make our lives better by making the decision to be happy every morning, to make a change in our lives every day, we don’t need to set high expectations of ourselves every New Year that we probably won’t keep to. Small changes every day will eventually equate to big changes over time.

Last May I made the decision to start the Couch to 10km to challenge myself to get fitter, I didn’t manage to run the 10km in the time expected but I can do a fair 10km brisk walk which is further than the couch at least.

I decided to go out for the first New Year I’ve spent out in years. I only went to the local pub but I met some new friends and one I hope to spend more nights out with, we are both recently separated 40-something women getting out there for the first time in years, we chatted for hours and both want to broaden our social lives and get out more so we exchanged numbers and are hoping to meet up again soon. So here’s to a new year with new friends.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on January 3, 2016 in Life, Thoughts

 

Today I Burnt my Childhood.

This last week has had it’s really low points, I really thought I’d destroyed a good thing because of my insecurities perhaps and my desperation to find a job and move house has stressed me out.

So I’ve decided to tackle a few things and deal with them head on and put them to rest with any luck and bring the positivity back into my life.

Today I spent the morning burning my care files. Files written about me and my life by ‘professionals’, their opinions and perceptions in a collection of reports on incidents in my life, issues and problems I have with development and behaviour, rejections and disappointments…  I don’t want to remember my childhood as that. I was a child, a human being, with qualities, attributes, emotions, likes and dislikes, a personality… I was a terrified 3 year old when I was taken into care, when they started on those damn files. Reports and concerns and medicals and case reviews written by health visitors, doctors, social workers, care workers, foster carers, teachers, psychiatrists, counsellors, therapists and police… 15 years worth… 1975 – 1990.

But nothing in there was written by me. None of my opinions were in there, none of my aspirations or ambitions… Nothing in those typed up reports was anything positive about me. Nothing about what I was feeling, or what I thought I needed. Nothing about the real me. Who I was underneath all the bullshit of those reports that were written by people who came into brief contact with me as a child. In all honesty they didn’t even have all the facts, had they ever asked me about my own life, I could’ve probably divulged a hell of a lot more that had been locked away for so long and maybe I wouldn’t have gone through as much as I did.

As I watched the flames consume those papers, I wonder how many of those professionals have given me a fleeting thought over the years, those that expected me to fail at life, what would they say if they knew what those years of paperwork means to me now.

 

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on October 14, 2015 in Believe, Care Leaver, Life

 

I Did It!!

I did it, I can’t believe I actually did it!

I finally found the strength inside myself to end the toxic relationship that was drowning me. I feel like I can now move forward with my life with an air of new found confidence, a confidence I thought had been lost a long time ago.

I feel so free, I feel like I can breathe again, I feel like I’ve been choking, suffocating.

I can smile again… it seems so long ago that I smiled… I can’t stop smiling. I text my closest friends… I did it! They all know exactly what I’ve done and all want to know how I feel. I feel amazing. I feel so happy.

Thank you for giving me the strength… you are my rock yet again and you still have no fucking idea.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on August 9, 2015 in Believe, Faith, Life

 

When You’re Just Done…

Life hasn’t been great lately.

I can’t even explain why, it has to be brushed under the carpet as it always does while I suffer in silence, feeling guilty about the step forward I want to make, need to make because I know how devastated my kids will be.

I cry myself to sleep most nights, and nights have never been easy for me but my tears are silent and my heartache unnoticed.

The police are always so sympathetic and understanding and I always apologise profusely for the situation I feel like I’ve put them in. What the hell am I doing? Why do I tolerate this shit? This isn’t love! I cant even remember what love feels like anymore. Pain, that’s what I’m feeling, and hopeless, and weak…

I am listening to people’s sympathy but it’s all aimed in the wrong direction and I have to nod and agree with them, knowing the truth and all the while lying to people who are being so nice and acting so concerned and I feel afraid that they’ll see through the lies and realise the truth and pity me or worse.

So I cry myself to sleep again, but tonight I’m alone and unafraid…

I’m done, there is no love left, the respect has gone, I want to stay alone… I can do this.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on March 29, 2015 in Believe, Faith, Help!!, Life

 

New Years Resolutions.

I don’t usually make New Years Resolutions, they just make you feel shitty about yourself when you break them.

I prefer to set myself targets like doing the Race for Life or registering as a bone marrow donor or helping to install the Tower Poppies last year. Realistic targets that have no reward but to just feel good about what I’ve done.

Well this year my Resolution is to set myself at least one target a week where I carry out at least one random act of kindness every week with no expectation of reward… That’s 52 selfless acts in 2015 that make a difference to someone but my only reward is to feel good about what I’ve done.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on January 1, 2015 in Believe, Life, Things to do, Thoughts

 

Revisiting the Past…

Sometimes life just plods along and each day is much like the one before. Not that that’s a bad thing, in fact I like the mundane normality as opposed to having my life turned upside down by surprises, I’m very much a structure and routine person, it probably comes from spending much of my life living out of boxes or not knowing what mood people were going to walk in with, I hate feeling on edge so I’ve made my life fairly structured with only a spattering of spontaneity.
Anyway, this last week has been a strange one. I’ve had a few friend requests on facebook that I’ve left hanging… They’re people that were part of, or reminders of my darker past and I’m not sure I want to face that at the moment… One is a friend who I confided so much in and who attended court with me where I was giving evidence. This friend was a great friend, a rock in times of darkness but knows stuff about me that few others do. I can’t deal with that.
The problem is I walk away from friends way too quickly… I find it incredibly hard to trust people and when I find myself almost confiding in them I immediately push them away. I can be quite mean in the process and I’m sure all I want is to know they would never betray my trust but I push and say mean things so they stay away, leaving them thinking I’m a heartless bitch.
I hate this about myself and I find it impossible to change, I don’t know where to start. Most of my friends, except the real friends that have known me for the longest time, think I’m cold. I rarely cry in front of anyone, not even my husband. I’m not one of these people that cries on people’s shoulders, I cry my tears alone and so quietly you could stand next to me and not even know. That’s something I learnt in care I guess and I’m no different now.
So anyhow, another friend request was from a friend I was in a care home with, it was a horrendous place and miles from anywhere I knew, we both had awful experiences there and we stuck together like glue, we used to call each other ‘sister’ but again I got out of there and pushed her away. I push these people out of my life and think the bad times are gone but they’re not are they? Because a lovely person I thought of as a sister requests me as a friend and all I can think of are awful times! WTF?!
My biggest issue I think is that I had counselling back in the day but I was self medicating at the same time, not the best idea and it prevented me from dealing with it at all… Half an hour of counselling followed by a little opium, (while on the benzos!) hmmm that dealt with the problems a treat!
I wasn’t ready for the counselling, I wasn’t ready to confront anything so I self harmed and self medicated. I love the phrase ‘self medicated’ it sounds like it’s ok… It’s not. Basically I took lots and lots of drugs. Everyone I know (from the scene then) says “I did everything but inject” which makes it all sound somehow better… But I didn’t inject because I was afraid of needles, I wasn’t afraid of smoking heroin, or crack or popping benzos, or dropping whatever pills I could get my hands on. I didn’t care what they were or what effect they had as long as they had an effect. I got to that point where I was waking up, scoring and spending the day high with other fucked up souls or going out dropping e (or/and 2c). I didn’t care if I lived or died, I guess I hoped I wouldn’t wake up many times. But I did. It wasn’t until my ‘brother’ died of a heroin overdose that I really thought about what effect the past and the drugs had and how the counselling didn’t work and nor did the drugs… That’s why I’m sat here confused and blogging a probably senseless post that only I understand!
But I did manage to pull myself out of that, with help of course for which I’m eternally grateful. I went on to have my kids and try to be a good mother. I can give good advice as I’ve been there, done that. But I still have my issues to sort out. My lack of trust, my inability to let people in. That I need to work on but I can’t let the past into me present to fuck up my future. That I won’t allow so again I push another good friend away…

Weirdly my saving grace this week was speaking to my niece, she is so awesome and has dealt with life so much better than I did at her age.
She is amazing and I hope she isn’t put off by our previous dysfunction!
Another reason to be thankful. X

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on January 19, 2014 in Life, The Past., Thoughts

 

Tags: , , ,

 
%d bloggers like this: