Category Archives: Faith

I Did It!!

I did it, I can’t believe I actually did it!

I finally found the strength inside myself to end the toxic relationship that was drowning me. I feel like I can now move forward with my life with an air of new found confidence, a confidence I thought had been lost a long time ago.

I feel so free, I feel like I can breathe again, I feel like I’ve been choking, suffocating.

I can smile again… it seems so long ago that I smiled… I can’t stop smiling. I text my closest friends… I did it! They all know exactly what I’ve done and all want to know how I feel. I feel amazing. I feel so happy.

Thank you for giving me the strength… you are my rock yet again and you still have no fucking idea.

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Posted by on August 9, 2015 in Believe, Faith, Life


When You’re Just Done…

Life hasn’t been great lately.

I can’t even explain why, it has to be brushed under the carpet as it always does while I suffer in silence, feeling guilty about the step forward I want to make, need to make because I know how devastated my kids will be.

I cry myself to sleep most nights, and nights have never been easy for me but my tears are silent and my heartache unnoticed.

The police are always so sympathetic and understanding and I always apologise profusely for the situation I feel like I’ve put them in. What the hell am I doing? Why do I tolerate this shit? This isn’t love! I cant even remember what love feels like anymore. Pain, that’s what I’m feeling, and hopeless, and weak…

I am listening to people’s sympathy but it’s all aimed in the wrong direction and I have to nod and agree with them, knowing the truth and all the while lying to people who are being so nice and acting so concerned and I feel afraid that they’ll see through the lies and realise the truth and pity me or worse.

So I cry myself to sleep again, but tonight I’m alone and unafraid…

I’m done, there is no love left, the respect has gone, I want to stay alone… I can do this.

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Posted by on March 29, 2015 in Believe, Faith, Help!!, Life


The Season of Goodwill…

As you know I’m not a Christian but the Yuletide season is still very important to me and my family.

I don’t believe in the traditional Christmas story of the birth of Jesus etc but the values we seem to only make important in December are values I strongly believe in and they are values I want to install in my children.
The season of goodwill to all is something we all say we believe in, but not it seems, when we’re in the queue in Argos waiting for the ¬£200 worth of toys for a 3 year old who won’t appreciate them, nor will they be particularly bothered by them come Xmas afternoon when the big cardboard boxes will seem like a much better plaything!

The real meaning of goodwill and season of giving is about doing good things for others. Getting yet another pair of novelty Xmas socks for an uncle you rarely even bother to visit isn’t what it’s all about.

I want my children to understand what giving really means so we buy new toys to give to vulnerable children.
There are Just under 100,000 looked after children in the UK and many have been taken into care after abuse or neglect, others because they’re parents are poorly or in prison or for some other reason. Whatever the reason, it’s never happy and lots of children will be feeling sad and lost at christmas and it should be a magical time. All children need to feel wanted and every bit as lucky as those spending the day opening presents from Santa with loving families.

One small gesture is to buy some new toys and donate them to your local social services department to give to children in care. They don’t have to be big and expensive, it really is the thought that counts.

There are also lots of food banks across the country, I’m sure they can pass gifts to vulnerable families or point you in the direction of somewhere that will.

I once knew someone who used to buy gifts and leave them on the doorsteps of single mums in the area, small gestures that give people hope and faith.

Then there’s the operation Christmas child where you fill a shoebox with small inexpensive gifts for children in often war torn countries that would otherwise get no Christmas gifts.

If you have no extra cash but want to do something, there are millions of lonely people that would really appreciate an hour’s company and Christmas is an especially lonely time of year. Look out for elderly or lonely neighbours, maybe even take a meal over for them. As I said its the small gestures that mean the most.

Pagans used to burn a log outside their homes around winter solstice to let passing travellers know they had a warm place to rest and a hot meal, true goodwill.

These are the values that I want to instil in my children so they can touch others lives, these are the values we should all be teaching our children by example.

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Posted by on September 21, 2013 in Faith, Parenting


Being Positive About Being Positive…

Anyone who knows me knows that I love social media, Twitter, WordPress, Pinterest, LinkedIn, Facebook… they’re all on my laptop, my tablet and my iphone and I use them daily… a few times… ok more than a few times. ūüėČ

Of course those of my friends that follow any of my profiles on these, are well aware of my positive attitude to life and most are pretty understanding as they known of my struggles in life and know it’s because of my positive attitude that I’m still here. Many of my ‘siblings’ are not so lucky because of drugs, suicide, murder and that all consuming spiral that goes from abandonment, neglect and abuse to self-loathing, self-harm and self-destruct. Of course you know I’ve been there, sometimes the worst abuse a victim of abuse suffers is ultimately the abuse they cause themselves… drugs, self-harm, suicide attempts, alcohol, men, all those things that can be used negatively when the hatred of oneself takes over and all too often destroys from the inside out. It’s amazing that isn’t it? That the destruction starts from within? On the outside the person looks normal and in control, until the effects start to show on the outside, by then its far too late to be able to do anything to reverse the process.

So it took me many many years to realise that I deserved better than I had got up to that point. I realised that it wasn’t the things that I experienced that shaped me but the way I dealt with them and how I allowed them to affect me.I became so determined not to allow my upbringing destroy me or allow the cycle to continue so I started to take a moment each morning to reflect on what I wanted from the day and I read a positive affirmation to reinforce the knowledge that I was only going to focus on the positive things.

When life started to get more and more positive and I became a happier person, I looked around at my friends and became despondent… I felt so happy and positive about life but those I love were still unhappy and going through their own traumas over and over again and I wanted to do something to help them, so I shared some positivity. I would post a positive affirmation or quote every morning and a humorous one liner every evening. I started to see more positive statuses and tweets from friends who had started to look for the more positive things in their days.

Now this leads me to today, I hadn’t posted so many positive quotes for a while so I made a conscious effort to post one every morning again. Last week 2 people sent me messages having a ‘moan’ about me being ‘overly positive’ and said it’s ‘annoying’. Then someone made a funny comment about it in passing and someone close to me agreed that i came across overly positive and it really hurt my feelings. I can’t get my head around how a person can be viewed as overly positive or too happy? At least I’m not a miserable bastard, when I do have a bad day and have a good old rant, it’s usually warranted but to be accused of being too happy? What do people want from me?!

I’ve decided to have this rant with a f*ck ’em attitude and get back to being positive. I had a negative attitude to life for far too long and I won’t go back there. I believe in the law of attraction and like attracts like. I’m generally a happy person, I know I have a long way to go but I don’t tend to dwell so much on the negative nowadays and I’ve learnt to deal with my past for the most part. If people cant celebrate that accomplishment with me then it’s their problem.

As they say “Don’t let the bastards get you down’…

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Posted by on September 17, 2013 in Believe, Faith, Life, The Past., Thoughts


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My Reasons.

Ok, in my last post I outed my Pagan beliefs and this has obviously bothered some of my friends so I’d like to explain a little, particularly on behalf of my many, many Pagan and Wiccan friends.

I’d like to start by apologising in advance if anything I say here offends anyone, I can assure you this is certainly not my intention, I’d never wish to hurt someone’s feelings, least of all my friends.

Right, firstly there is obviously still a stigma that goes along with being Pagan/Wiccan.

Firstly I’d like to explain the word witch. The root wit in the word just means wise. The word witcraft was shortened to witch and it just means craft of the wise. You have to remember that the early Christians from Rome who bought Christianity to Europe were so determined in their quest to convert they used propaganda, torture and genocide. The ones who stayed strict to their Pagan beliefs were seen as rebellious and going against ‘God’ and were tortured and killed in barbaric ways. (drowned, burned alive, etc) people in those days saw this as entertainment. Laws were passed against witchcraft and were only repealed in 1951! So dedicated witches who wanted to preserve the religion were forced underground and formed secret ‘covens’.

“Although the word Witch is hated the word Pagan still rings alarm bells in the minds of many Christians or people in the sub-Christian culture. Why? Because Paganism was the enemy within. The church of Rome was determined to stamp it out by any means available and successfully built up an image of evil around Pagans so that even today ordinary people think Pagans and/or Witches sacrifice babies, perform evil spells and so on. The church also masked out or absorbed Pagan celebrations, for example Jesus was not born on the 25th December but was more probably born around April in 7 BCE. This was moved to the 6th January (the Eastern Orthodox church still uses that date). Then at the council of Niceae in 325 the western Christian church persuaded Emperor Constantin to move the celebration of the birth of Jesus to that other celebration of the birth of the sun, in Roman times the festival of Mithras, the God of Light at the winter solstice (which was thought to be 25th December).” (taken from Isle of Avalon, a great Pagan site with a wealth of information)

Witches were (and are) great healers, using the things that nature freely gives to us they were able to cure a great many ailments. This is a craft that is fast being recognised as the way forward. People are starting to use those age old ‘spells’ again!

Before I even realised I was swaying toward Paganism, I have a cupboard full of arnica for bruising/swelling, echinacea and garlic capsules to ward away those colds, lavender to aid sleep, willow bark to ease cold and flu symptoms, ginger root to help with sickness (I have had 5 babies after all!) and way too many more to go through! I would once have been told these were nothing less than witchcraft and if I wanted to feel better then I should just pray!

Anyway, my answer to those questions “But don’t you think being Pagan is a bit far fetched? I mean it is a bit weird isn’t it?”

Firstly no, I don’t think it’s far fetched to believe in a God and Goddess. It takes a male and a female to create life, so why would it seem strange to have a male God and female Goddess who each have different roles but are equally as important as each other? Don’t we want our children to be raised to know that men and women are equal?

It is my belief that Christianity in it’s early form (and even now in some ways) oppressed women. Men were allowed to be educated, women were not, women were forced to marry without having any say, women were not able to be important parts of the church (ie priests) and men were most certainly more ‘important’ than women. It has taken centuries for women to be accepted as equal in our society and in some ways society as a whole still has many prejudices against women.

I don’t think it’s far fetched to revere nature. We cannot live without it, simple. So if I’m thankful for nature, then I’m not being weird, I’m being grateful for something I know we can’t survive without.

I don’t think it’s far fetched to believe in reincarnation. We are made of energy, energy is transferred (scientific fact) so it makes sense to me that when my body is dead, my spiritual energy is transferred.

It’s much more believable than when I was raised a Christian that If I behave, I’ll go to ‘Heaven’ (when the Old Testament… the word of God, doesn’t mention humans going to heaven) and if I’m ‘bad’ I’ll go to hell. Forever…

Sounds like a way of regulating human behaviour to me.
Don’t sin… Love thy neighbour… as long as he’s not gay, having sex before marriage, having sex for enjoyment, using contraception, masturbating, lying, having an affair, wears clothing designed for the opposite sex, is a prostitute or reading Harry Potter!
Ok, I’m taking it to the extreme here, but this is what has been done to the Old and New Testaments in translation. ¬†It’s always interpretated by different people with different views which sends different messages. In translation the word for ‘inn’ has more than one meaning as does the word ‘hate’ (which can mean dislike strongly, or detached) so I always found it difficult to know what the interpretations were.
I found it hard to believe in a God that condemned people to death. Parts of the Old Testament (God’s word) are full of murder, rape, abortion and genocide. Leviticus 20:13,¬†Leviticus 20:9,¬†Leviticus 21:9,Numbers 5:11-21, Numbers 31:17, ¬†1 Kings 20:35-36, 2 Kings 2:23-24,¬†Exodus 31:12-15, Hosea 9:11-16,¬†Isaiah 13:15-18 are a few of the things that I find hard to imagine a God so right and true, would condone.

I think my big problem with Christianity, and my reasons for change, is that there was too much ‘demanding that man should do’ ¬†going on and then contradicting itself. The Old Testament was supposed to be God’s word, surely God’s word is final unless He gives it again? But then we are supposed to believe that God… God of the Jews (as Jesus was) takes his kingdom away from the Jews? God says bad people go to hell then (in the New Testament) it’s said that if they repent, they’ll not.

I put it to a Christian friend that if a 15 year old girl walked into her church and declared she was pregnant with God’s son but had never had sex, would they embrace her as the Mother of God’s son, or call social services and claim she was crazy… there was a lot of umming and erring but no definitive answer. Surely if you believe in the story of Jesus, then you’d embrace her? Just my opinion.

I have a problem with the Christian Sabbath being on a Sunday. The bible states that God rested on the seventh day, Saturday, and blessed that day as a day of rest. it is observed in the Ten Commandments so why was it changed to the day that many Pagan’s worship the Sun god?

Christmas is another contradiction. Yule is a Pagan festival, as Easter is a Pagan festival of rebirth.

The bottom line is this, No-one can (or should) dictate to another on what they should believe, nor mock them, calling them weird or far fetched. All religions are based on a belief system that cannot be proved no disproved. They all have the influence of man, who makes mistakes even when passing on a story however true, so things get altered or lost in translation.

I still respect my Christian friends, my Muslim friends, My Sikh friends, my Jewish friends and my athiest friends among others. I respect them and their beliefs, I don’t see them as weird or wrong, just as they are, their beliefs. I respect them as I do those who believe that their child is the most intelligent/best looking in the world. lol

Paganism is NOT bad, as with any religion it is open to abuses (as we’ve seen with the Christian Crusades or the Muslim Extremists for starters)

If you look at the history of Paganism, nature revering religions, most are looked at as being peaceful… the Native Americans, Aborigines, Ancient Greeks, Ancient Romans, Japanese, Indians, etc all have very similar beliefs, but they don’t have the stigma that we seem to have. Paganism is on the increase in Europe, people are looking into it and realising it makes sense to them.

To the friends who have contacted me to tell me they’ve been in the broom closet for years and are afraid to ‘come out’ to friends and family, well I hope that one day you’ll be able to practice your religion with pride. Until then, I’m always here.

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Posted by on October 24, 2012 in Believe, Faith, Life, Thoughts


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Out of the Broom Closet…

Religion… now this has always been a touchy subject for most.
I find this down to 2 main reasons… either non-religious people don’t want other people’s beliefs to be rammed down their throats, or the religious people don’t want to hear people discredit their beliefs.

Then you have that whole different angle, the stigma and prejudice that goes along with religion, especially those belief systems that are ‘different’ or that people are unable to understand.

Now I was talking to a friend today, and our beliefs came up and the fact that we have exactly the same religious beliefs and never knew it…I guess only a few of my friends, the ones that know me really well, know what my religious views are, but for those that don’t know me so well, I am going to publicly come out of the broom closet as it were, and define my religious standpoint…

I would describe myself as spiritual, nature loving, I believe in positivity, I believe we have the power to heal using things that nature gives us freely, I believe in and respect the sanctity of life, I believe in karma, I believe in the Rule of Three, I believe that all living things should respect all other living things and treat them as you wish to be treated, I don’t believe in being wasteful, I think we should share what we have an abundance of…

In a nutshell, I’d define myself as Pagan.

There, I said it… I worship nature… don’t laugh, I can prove it exists, and that we are totally unable to exist without it.


But the stigma attached to Paganism still exists, ever since the Christians wiped out Paganism from most of Europe, it’s become a word that is used as such a negative. Paganism was around long before Islam or Christianity. It has many similarities to Buddism, and Native American beliefs.


People still have misconceptions as to what Paganism is, or what we do.

We do NOT worship the devil, in fact, I don’t even recognise the existence of ‘satan’!

We do not cast evil spells on people, as I said, we believe in the Rule of Three, any negativity would come back to us threefold, a bit like karma.


New Age beliefs, those beliefs that herbs, plants, crystals, precious stones, meditation etc can cure ailments and make us feel better isn’t new at all…


We all know that many of our ‘Christian traditions’ are not in fact Christian at all, but they’re Pagan traditions and celebrations that the first Christians couldn’t wipe out of our strong Celtic-Pagan roots…

For instance;

Sunday is the Pagan day of worship to the Sun God, Christians worshipped on Saturday, until the 4th Century when Roman Emperor Constantine, himself a Pagan at the time, ruled that the official day of worship in Rome would be Sunday. .
Easter was a fertility holiday, a time to worship the Goddess Eastre . As you can see this Goddess also gave her name to such things as Estrus, the female reproductive cycle, and Estrogen, a female hormone. This holiday was amazingly popular and in Pagan times, rabbits, and eggs, were fertility symbols used to celebrate this holiday.

Around the Mediterranean, even before Jesus, the death and rebirth of Attis, was celebrated at this time. Attis was born to a virgin (sound familiar?). He is the god of Vegetation, the lover of the fertility Goddess, and he dies and is reborn annually at this time (sound familiar?).

This holiday was too popular for early Christians to ban, so over time they simply reassigned meaning to the traditions and let people continue to celebrate.

Most people, even Christians, realize that December 25 was not Christs actual birthday. In the old calendar December 25 was the winter solstice, a day to celebrate the returning of the sun. In Rome December 17 was the start of a seven day holiday to celebrate the birth of the god Saturn. The Iranian sun God Mithra (also linked with Helios) was born of a virgin birth, on December 25. In many parts of the world the holidays’ original name was Saturnalia. Saturnalia was a celebration that lasted several days and involved feasting and the exchange of gifts. Evergreens, which represented life, were brought into the homes and decorated. Nearly every Christmas tradition, from the wreath to the star, have pagan origins, there are too many to list here, but a link is provided at the bottom. As with Easter the holiday was too popular, so rather than forbidding newly converted Christians from celebrating it, the Church renamed the day and over time reassigned meanings to the traditions, for example, the nativity scenes which were originally made to honour the birth of Saturn where now referenced to worship Jesus.

All Hallows Day was originally celebrated in the spring, but with the Celtic Holiday of Samhain being celebrated October 31, a move was made to place All Hallows Day on November 1. Thus October 31 became known as All Hallows Eve, eventually, Halloween. Indeed Samhain was a pagan holiday, one where people dressed up and reversed roles. They pulled pranks and partied with the people who had died during the year. Pagans were not afraid of their dead as many of us are today. Rather these spirits were welcomed.

(read more

Yes, Pagans do have rituals and ceremonies that may seem strange to some, but when you see the secret ‘Handfasting’ ceremony in Braveheart you probably didn’t realise this was an old Celtic-Pagan ceremony to bind the hearts of two people in love and there are many rituals and traditions that are equally wonderful and becoming more popular.


I guess the bottom line is this, don’t judge, just ask if you don’t understand something.
I don’t judge someone who believes they’ll go to hell because they’ve made some bad choices, I don’t have the same beliefs but each to their own.
I am just the same person as I’ve always been, If you know me and this is the first you’ve heard of this, you’ll see no difference in me. I still spend my days cooking and cleaning, I do the school run, I have a laugh and a joke and a gossip. There’s just more to me than you probably realised.

For more information on Paganism, take a look at or



Posted by on October 19, 2012 in Believe, Faith, Life, Thoughts


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Syria; A Day of Protest

As a mother of 5 beautiful children, it’s easy to consume myself in my own little world creating happy memories for my children and shielding them from the atrocities of the world.

My children are aware of war, my husband was a British soldier and he (we) lost a good friend in Afghanistan and have seen many others go and luckily return, but that’s as much as they need to know, good soldiers fight bad soldiers. They aren’t aware of the civilians caught up in bloody conflict.

I was horrified when I read the article ‘Syria: the tipping point’ in The Times on Wednesday.

Last Friday, 49 children were killed in Houla by¬†President Assad‚Äôs Shabiha thugs. Killed…. not just killed, horrifically murdered, some shot, some knifed with machetes, some had limbs hacked off, heads or faces sliced off, eyes gouged out, you get the jist.

108 civilians were executed, 34 were women and 49 were children, some babies wearing just nappies, some toddlers but all innocent.

The world cannot just sit here and watch this happen, we have to do something. These were innocent people… Whole families were slaughtered in their own homes and their homes ransacked and torched while we were tucking our children up in their warm safe beds. ¬†¬†Our children who only by sheer luck, were born into our families, in our safe countries with us being able to tuck them into bed unafraid of any real threat.

Syria’s honorary consul general in California said Wednesday he has defected from¬†the regime of¬† President Bashar Assad in protest of the killings last week in the town of Houla.

Hazem Chehabi, reached at his home in Orange County, said he had resigned his post and severed association with Assad’s government in protest of the attack Friday that left more than 100 Syrians dead, most of them women and children.

“You get to a point where your silence or inaction becomes ethically or morally unacceptable,” Chehabi said, describing the Houla killings as a “barbaric” incident with which he couldn’t be associated.” (LA Times)

The Uk Parent Bloggers¬†have united today in a call for action in Syria. We need our voices to be heard loud and clear with the same message…. THIS CANNOT HAPPEN.

We are ONE WORLD, they are OUR CHILDREN, we cannot sit on our sofas watching this on the news and do absolutely nothing!

If you do nothing else today please do this… Don’t just look away…

  1. ¬†Please sign this¬†¬†Save the Children petition now, calling on world leaders to put in place an immediate and legally binding “Resolution to Protect Children” that carries the full force of international law on those attacking children and other civilians. Please sign it online… it takes all but 2 minutes.
  2. Sign this Amnesty International petition which is calling on the Russian Minister of Foreign Affairs to ask Russia to stop supplying the Syrian Government with arms.
  3. Sign the Avaaz petition here calling on the UN to protect civilians.

Finally, there is a protest at the Syrian Embassy in London on Sunday 10th June from 12-2pm. If you can support it, please be there.

Please do something, we need to do something to stop this ever happening again.

(Thank you to Dorky Mum where I got details of the petitions and protest)

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