Sometimes life just plods along and each day is much like the one before. Not that that’s a bad thing, in fact I like the mundane normality as opposed to having my life turned upside down by surprises, I’m very much a structure and routine person, it probably comes from spending much of my life living out of boxes or not knowing what mood people were going to walk in with, I hate feeling on edge so I’ve made my life fairly structured with only a spattering of spontaneity.
Anyway, this last week has been a strange one. I’ve had a few friend requests on facebook that I’ve left hanging… They’re people that were part of, or reminders of my darker past and I’m not sure I want to face that at the moment… One is a friend who I confided so much in and who attended court with me where I was giving evidence. This friend was a great friend, a rock in times of darkness but knows stuff about me that few others do. I can’t deal with that.
The problem is I walk away from friends way too quickly… I find it incredibly hard to trust people and when I find myself almost confiding in them I immediately push them away. I can be quite mean in the process and I’m sure all I want is to know they would never betray my trust but I push and say mean things so they stay away, leaving them thinking I’m a heartless bitch.
I hate this about myself and I find it impossible to change, I don’t know where to start. Most of my friends, except the real friends that have known me for the longest time, think I’m cold. I rarely cry in front of anyone, not even my husband. I’m not one of these people that cries on people’s shoulders, I cry my tears alone and so quietly you could stand next to me and not even know. That’s something I learnt in care I guess and I’m no different now.
So anyhow, another friend request was from a friend I was in a care home with, it was a horrendous place and miles from anywhere I knew, we both had awful experiences there and we stuck together like glue, we used to call each other ‘sister’ but again I got out of there and pushed her away. I push these people out of my life and think the bad times are gone but they’re not are they? Because a lovely person I thought of as a sister requests me as a friend and all I can think of are awful times! WTF?!
My biggest issue I think is that I had counselling back in the day but I was self medicating at the same time, not the best idea and it prevented me from dealing with it at all… Half an hour of counselling followed by a little opium, (while on the benzos!) hmmm that dealt with the problems a treat!
I wasn’t ready for the counselling, I wasn’t ready to confront anything so I self harmed and self medicated. I love the phrase ‘self medicated’ it sounds like it’s ok… It’s not. Basically I took lots and lots of drugs. Everyone I know (from the scene then) says “I did everything but inject” which makes it all sound somehow better… But I didn’t inject because I was afraid of needles, I wasn’t afraid of smoking heroin, or crack or popping benzos, or dropping whatever pills I could get my hands on. I didn’t care what they were or what effect they had as long as they had an effect. I got to that point where I was waking up, scoring and spending the day high with other fucked up souls or going out dropping e (or/and 2c). I didn’t care if I lived or died, I guess I hoped I wouldn’t wake up many times. But I did. It wasn’t until my ‘brother’ died of a heroin overdose that I really thought about what effect the past and the drugs had and how the counselling didn’t work and nor did the drugs… That’s why I’m sat here confused and blogging a probably senseless post that only I understand!
But I did manage to pull myself out of that, with help of course for which I’m eternally grateful. I went on to have my kids and try to be a good mother. I can give good advice as I’ve been there, done that. But I still have my issues to sort out. My lack of trust, my inability to let people in. That I need to work on but I can’t let the past into me present to fuck up my future. That I won’t allow so again I push another good friend away…
Weirdly my saving grace this week was speaking to my niece, she is so awesome and has dealt with life so much better than I did at her age.
She is amazing and I hope she isn’t put off by our previous dysfunction!
Another reason to be thankful. X