I consider myself to be a fairly positive person but just lately, life seems to have hit me like a hammer.
We spent years building up a fairly nice home and we had a fabulous support network of friends. But since we made this move to a small town in Suffolk, I’ve never felt so alone and life seems to be going from bad to worse and it’s all I can think about.
We’ve taken a huge cut in income, now barely surviving on 17k p/a, we lack the funds to be able to make the house look like a home so I’ve not made real friends as I’m too embarrassed to invite them round. I just want out of here now and back to an area where people know us. I miss London and I even miss Essex.
I don’t drive (couldn’t afford to) so we don’t go out, this little town has nothing to offer and even the kids are becoming hermits and that’s never been us.
#3 has been talking about the times over Primrose Hill and Regent’s Park and I can see he misses it too.
So where does that leave us?
Well, we’re in a housing association house so we can get a mutual exchange with someone that wants to ‘swap’, but we’d need a few quid for removals so that puts us in limbo for however long it’ll take to save… bearing in mind we live hand to mouth and get into debt to get through every Christmas.
I was looking at doing an Open University course but we can’t afford that either so it looks like we’re well and truly trapped below the poverty line. I’m an ambitious person and I get sick to death of not being able to push myself forward because there always seems to be a brick wall in the way. Now I’m losing the only thing that got me through… my positive attitude.
I’m beginning to question what there is to be positive about… I know I have a husband and great kids but there is nothing outside of that. I don’t go out, I don’t enjoy being in and everyone says “yeah but you’re lucky… you have your kids that love you”. I know that and I am more grateful than anyone could imagine for the love I have but shit man, love doesn’t feed your kids does it?
I have struggled forever and I just need someone to throw me a rope… believe me I’ll work my arse off to pull myself out of the shit I’m in, I don’t expect anyone to pull the rope, just to chuck it to us would be great.
That ain’t going to happen though so it seems we’re stuck in a small town with no way out and loads of wasted ambition…