Thank You…

I’ve always been a slim person, I’ve stayed fairly active most of my adult life and kept to a size 10 even after having kids. I was one of those people that could sit in Krispy Kreme and eat 3 or 4 of the yummiest glazed doughnuts and not put on an ounce… until about 7 years ago when I moved to a small town where I knew no-one, I was pretty unhappy in my marriage and with my life so I began comfort eating and not going out as much as I did before. The pounds piled on and I got to a size 16 and stayed that way until last year. My marriage was over and I ended it, I started to get out more and meet people and I stopped comfort eating. The weight started to drop off and I became more active so I felt happier than I’d felt in a long time.

I’m now back to my ‘normal’ size 10 and I’m happy and healthy. I’m 5’4″ and weigh a healthy 9 stone and my bmi is in the normal healthy range. My anxiety has decreased, my back problems have improved and my dry skin is clearing up.

But it seems that other people aren’t so happy for me! I’ve had a few comments from people (not even to me but about me to others!) saying I’ve ‘lost too much weight’ and I ‘look ill’. This really got me down when I first heard the comments because I’ve actually worked really hard to get here. I joke around and say it’s ‘the divorce diet’ and it’s having a stressful life but in all honesty I have really had to work hard to motivate myself to getting back to where I was happy with myself.

I wake up an hour every morning before my kids are up so I can spend an hour doing yoga and some positive affirmations, I do the school run and then run/walk (mainly brisk walking and a jog at best) around 10km-15km at least 4 times a week and I also meditate for an hour in the evening to wind down and relax. I eat a well balanced diet and yes I do still have the occasional full English breakfast, pizza or halfpounder, I love food, I’m not starving myself!!


But I am healthy, fit and feeling absolutely great about myself! My friends have seen the change in me, I am so much happier and stronger than I’ve been in a long time. My friends are glad to see the ‘old me’ back again and to be really honest, so am I.

This body has seen me through 43 years and carried and given birth to 5 amazing babies. I love my body, stretch marks, flabby bits, saggy bits, lumps, bumps and all, so to those who have been positive and complimented me, I Thank you. x


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Posted by on May 26, 2016 in Believe, Fitness, Life, Thoughts


Putting the Children First

My husband and I separated early last year and though our marriage was over, he has been a huge part of my eldest 2 sons lives and we have had 3 children together. We made the decision to do what not too many separated parents do and always put the needs of our children first. This means we don’t argue over the raising of our children, we once loved each other enough to bring children into our world, we chose each other as parents for our children because we have the same values so the least we can do now is stay on the same page and raise them with those same values we had when we decided to have them.

It’s been a difficult year for both of us since splitting, he’s now settled and has built a new home and we decided that as I’m going to be moving away from here (only about an hour away) that my 22 year old son (his stepson) and our 16 year old will be living with him as the 22 year old has been working at his job since he left school at 16 and has built a good base in this town, and our 16 year old has built a stable happy life here and doesn’t want to move away, he was given the choice and chose to live with his dad, they have a super strong bond that I’m happy to see grow ever stronger though I miss them both already.

I have the youngest 2 who are 8 and 6 living with me.

I have already had a few people accuse me of almost abandoning my older sons but as someone who was abandoned by my own mother at 2, I am well aware of what abandonment means and the damage it can do. I also know that taking a teenager away from the parent that he has the stronger bond with will undoubtedly end up causing resentment and rebellion. I haven’t abandoned my children, they are old enough to choose where they want to be and my  (ex) husband is an amazing father. I chose to include him in my eldest 2 son’s lives when I was a single parent and I chose to have 3 children with him, of course he is an amazing dad so my children are all with the parents that can offer the best for them at this moment in time.

I have no idea why people think that the mother is the only parent that can successfully raise children, our decision was well thought through, it was mutually beneficial to us and to the children and they are all very happy and though I dare say our split has affected them, it isn’t nearly as bad as I have seen some children affected. My older sons visit me often and our younger ones go to their dads 3 times a week. He is invited to school events and meetings, we are able to sit in each others houses and chat about the kids over a coffee and we recently attended a special presentation together to see our 8 year old awarded his bronze scout award and we took him out to eat afterwards. Our children know that Mummy and Daddy are still both there for them as we always have been, only now much happier, I just wish that all children could be raised this way and not put in the middle of their parents battles.

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Posted by on March 8, 2016 in Uncategorized


New Beginnings

So it’s 2016… Time to start making New Year’s resolutions? Not at all. We can decide to make our lives better by making the decision to be happy every morning, to make a change in our lives every day, we don’t need to set high expectations of ourselves every New Year that we probably won’t keep to. Small changes every day will eventually equate to big changes over time.

Last May I made the decision to start the Couch to 10km to challenge myself to get fitter, I didn’t manage to run the 10km in the time expected but I can do a fair 10km brisk walk which is further than the couch at least.

I decided to go out for the first New Year I’ve spent out in years. I only went to the local pub but I met some new friends and one I hope to spend more nights out with, we are both recently separated 40-something women getting out there for the first time in years, we chatted for hours and both want to broaden our social lives and get out more so we exchanged numbers and are hoping to meet up again soon. So here’s to a new year with new friends.

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Posted by on January 3, 2016 in Life, Thoughts


Today I Burnt my Childhood.

This last week has had it’s really low points, I really thought I’d destroyed a good thing because of my insecurities perhaps and my desperation to find a job and move house has stressed me out.

So I’ve decided to tackle a few things and deal with them head on and put them to rest with any luck and bring the positivity back into my life.

Today I spent the morning burning my care files. Files written about me and my life by ‘professionals’, their opinions and perceptions in a collection of reports on incidents in my life, issues and problems I have with development and behaviour, rejections and disappointments…  I don’t want to remember my childhood as that. I was a child, a human being, with qualities, attributes, emotions, likes and dislikes, a personality… I was a terrified 3 year old when I was taken into care, when they started on those damn files. Reports and concerns and medicals and case reviews written by health visitors, doctors, social workers, care workers, foster carers, teachers, psychiatrists, counsellors, therapists and police… 15 years worth… 1975 – 1990.

But nothing in there was written by me. None of my opinions were in there, none of my aspirations or ambitions… Nothing in those typed up reports was anything positive about me. Nothing about what I was feeling, or what I thought I needed. Nothing about the real me. Who I was underneath all the bullshit of those reports that were written by people who came into brief contact with me as a child. In all honesty they didn’t even have all the facts, had they ever asked me about my own life, I could’ve probably divulged a hell of a lot more that had been locked away for so long and maybe I wouldn’t have gone through as much as I did.

As I watched the flames consume those papers, I wonder how many of those professionals have given me a fleeting thought over the years, those that expected me to fail at life, what would they say if they knew what those years of paperwork means to me now.


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Posted by on October 14, 2015 in Believe, Care Leaver, Life


Trigger Unhappy.

Fucking ptsd triggers!!

I’ve spent the whole night last night and today battling with fucking triggers and flashback… I saw my bio-father yesterday and as always I’m unable to cope so I’m attempting grounding techniques and breathing exercises and I’m trying to get a grip of my anxiety which is rising by the minute, and I’m totally unable to just be open and honest with the guy that I’m seeing because I don’t want him to think I’m completely fucking nuts.  So as usual I look like I’m being moody. What the fuck am I doing? Why can’t I just say it how it is? Because I don’t want to put him off? Like that isn’t going to happen sooner or later! So I’m now in a situation where I still look fucking nuts anyway!

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Posted by on September 8, 2015 in Care Leaver, Help!!


I Did It!!

I did it, I can’t believe I actually did it!

I finally found the strength inside myself to end the toxic relationship that was drowning me. I feel like I can now move forward with my life with an air of new found confidence, a confidence I thought had been lost a long time ago.

I feel so free, I feel like I can breathe again, I feel like I’ve been choking, suffocating.

I can smile again… it seems so long ago that I smiled… I can’t stop smiling. I text my closest friends… I did it! They all know exactly what I’ve done and all want to know how I feel. I feel amazing. I feel so happy.

Thank you for giving me the strength… you are my rock yet again and you still have no fucking idea.

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Posted by on August 9, 2015 in Believe, Faith, Life


When You’re Just Done…

Life hasn’t been great lately.

I can’t even explain why, it has to be brushed under the carpet as it always does while I suffer in silence, feeling guilty about the step forward I want to make, need to make because I know how devastated my kids will be.

I cry myself to sleep most nights, and nights have never been easy for me but my tears are silent and my heartache unnoticed.

The police are always so sympathetic and understanding and I always apologise profusely for the situation I feel like I’ve put them in. What the hell am I doing? Why do I tolerate this shit? This isn’t love! I cant even remember what love feels like anymore. Pain, that’s what I’m feeling, and hopeless, and weak…

I am listening to people’s sympathy but it’s all aimed in the wrong direction and I have to nod and agree with them, knowing the truth and all the while lying to people who are being so nice and acting so concerned and I feel afraid that they’ll see through the lies and realise the truth and pity me or worse.

So I cry myself to sleep again, but tonight I’m alone and unafraid…

I’m done, there is no love left, the respect has gone, I want to stay alone… I can do this.

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Posted by on March 29, 2015 in Believe, Faith, Help!!, Life

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